Better late than never. It is Friday but I am referring to earlier this week. It was a beautiful sunny day, and we had a great time. Except for the fact that the HOA decided to, without warning, tear up the street and repave the sewer holes… at his exact nap times. This was extremely frustrating for me, who relies on nap-times to get rest for myself. I decided this is what I’ll log today, because it was a tough moment that I had to deal with. And I think it’s just as important to share the hard moments with the nice, light, fluffy ones!
It was 8:30am and just as I finished feeding him a bottle and shut the blinds, the incessant noise of them digging up cement began. Incredibly loud, fast and repetitive – like a finger on a trigger of a firearm. I remember peeking through the blinds like a person in the movies, eyes glaring left and right. I was fuming with anger. Then I told myself I had to let it go. But nope! Ten minutes later, I found myself at the front door with Casey on my hip, staring at the end of the courtyard where two men were unknowingly disrupting the peace.
I wanted to walk right up to them and yell. But instead, I shut the door and quietly walked the steps back up to his room shaking my head. He fell asleep in my arms but when I set him down, his arms and legs twitched with each start of the machine. I went downstairs to drink coffee, knowing it won’t be long. And that he would be grumpy. His ninety minute nap ended up being forty-five. Thankfully, my little sport was a champ about it.
So I decided, let’s get away. Off to Target we went! He had fun bouncing in the cart. We went down the baby aisle and perused fun things for him. I did some grocery shopping. He pushed buttons in the toy aisle and his eyes grew big when they made sounds or lit up. I know understand why Target is a mom’s dream.
Back home, it was finally peaceful. We had lunch and then settled down for a 1pm nap….when they decided to dig up the sewer hole in front of my neighbor’s garage! I had mistaken their lunch break for the end of drama. I was pretty upset. Casey fell asleep in my arms again, and for a second, so did I. But when I awoke and tried to transfer him, he kept springing up like a sprout. I couldn’t get him to actually nap in his crib! Of course, the noise was still blaring below his window.
At some point, he was crying because I had kept trying to get him to sleep when he was energetic enough to crawl and play. I calmly set him down in his crib with a toy and actually walked away! My frustration at the crew was not meant for my son, and I definitely did not want to direct it at him. At the same time, my anger was draining my energy. So I removed myself from the situation in order to get my bearings. Sometimes in life, that is what you have to do in order to get a clear picture. Just walk away.
I set a 5 minute timer. Then I let my son cry it out in the crib while I recollected myself. I closed both our bedroom doors and crawled under the covers. It was the best thing I could do. I did not direct any anger towards my son. At the same time, I needed the space to process the anger in order to let it melt away. I left him alone to play, but unfortunately he wanted to be nearby. I did not run to save him. In order to help others, you need to help yourself first.
The five minutes of drowning out noise gave my mind the reset that it needed. At the end of the day, it was the pounding of pavement that was fraying my nerves. And the timer gave me a boundary to regain my composure, and then return to my job – momhood. I came back calmer and happier. Somehow, I had let it go. I picked him up from the crib and consoled him, then we went downstairs to play!
I write all this because motherhood isn’t perfect or easy. But there are ways to make it easier on ourselves. I was proud with the way I dealt with the situation because I did what was right FOR ME. Everybody handles stress and situations differently. Finding a way to handle it without transferring it to your child is important. Casey hardly sees my anger or stress. Most of the time, I separate myself from him when it comes to the surface. This was very different from how I was raised with my Boomer parents. Anger was normal. Yelling was a form of communication. Blaming and guilt were accepted ways to relate to others. Ever seen Home Alone? Young people would look at that and think, “Dysfunctional!”. But back in the day, that was a normal, big family.
I write this because, sometimes, people feel like they don’t have the right or ability to walk away from responsibilities. But you definitely do. In order to recenter and eventually be able to return to your life in a way that allows you to show up 100%. Moms, I am looking at you! To be honest, I wanted to jot this down in case I forget too.
Happy Case of the Mondaze!
