I’ve always struggled with presence. What does it mean to be present? Is it a physical thing defined by time spent doing something? Is it a feeling? Is it determined by others or by you? Can you define yourself as present even if others disagree? They say it’s where your head is at. So can my mental energy be here but my physical energy be spent elsewhere?
My struggle with presence is the reason I keep writing. All this talk about decluttering, slow-living, intentionality, curation … it’s a reflection of my struggle to be HERE. As a parent to two very young kids while opening a start-up dental practice, I’ve been struggling with presence even more. Things that used to keep my mind laser-focused aren’t working. Podcasts, coffee, workouts, meditation, reading… I just can’t seem to catch up or do less. I feel imbalanced to say the very least. On my worst days, I am drowning.
I think back to my most present version of me. I would define the years before Casey’s birth to be the most present I have ever been (Circa 2021 to 2023). What was it that made me genuinely myself? I recognize that I had a LOT of time. Was that the key? My head can’t separate the physicality of time and space from the concept of being present. As in, it takes me effort to set up presence. There was a lot of set up before the presence part of it. I would clear my space from clutter. My space needed to be devoid of distractions and absolutely quiet. I would dress up for the part; take a shower, do my hair, look good, feel good, you know? I would make a coffee in order to clear my head. As James Clear would say, making coffee was the cue to slow it down. Then I would drink coffee to get laser-focused. My space needed to be devoid of distractions and absolutely quiet. Does it just take ME a little extra effort?
I used to journal to clear my head. And organized thoughts on the calendar. I needed a to-do list before doing anything. All of this was part of the set-up. And in doing so, I was intentional. Everything I did for work was aligned with my values. I curated life’s every detail. Obviously, it’s hard to do in the throes of early motherhood.
So how to be present? Can I cut back my time with the kids without regretting it one day? Must they learn that they need to share their mum with the world at this young age? How can I clear my thoughts from the never-ending I’ll-do-it-laters so that I could enjoy the gleeful giggles and the wobbly crawls? How to incorporate more peace in the afternoons and in my heart? The endless quest for balance continues.
I’ve come to embrace that it doesn’t appear in the day-to-day but rather in season to season. Yet my long-term view on getting in right still doesn’t account for how to achieve presence right now, or in every second. Shall I accept that we exist in a multi-verse, forced to teeter totter between personalities, goals, and dreams? Is it okay that I never feel fully here? Do I continue to cut back and do less in order to put more time towards setting myself up for presence? But doesn’t the set-up piece of it take me away from presence itself? I’ve been told it’s all in the mind and I need to shift my mind-set. But my brain doesn’t work well in a disordered way.
I am finding peace in pieces I have written, such as this one on creating empty space. My past self reminds me I could be better about setting boundaries. There is hope in the time-blocking strategies I wrote for new parents. If there is something I just don’t see, please write to me. If it’s just something we must get through, tell me too. Right now, I am just riding waves.
Photo by Milan Popovic on Unsplash
