Vitruvi’s Glow Diffuser Is A Beacon of Light for New Moms

The first few weeks of motherhood is a haze. Everyone tells you “it’s hard work”, but in my opinion, it is more akin to walking through a fog. Between mourning the loss of my previous life and navigating a new body mutilated by child-birth, it’s no wonder post-partum depression gets the attention it deserves. My soul was in transition between the death and birth of a self. Like floating somewhere in the in-between, with no direction to go. So it may sound cliche when I say that Vitruvi’s Glow Diffuser served as a beacon of light for this new mama, but do hear me out.

Vitruvi’s Glow Diffuser is exactly what every mother needs and wants for those early post-partum days. This beautiful bedside bestie is a beacon of light for nursing moms. A soft yellow glow keeps feedings calm thus allowing baby to fall right back asleep once finished. The diffuser itself keeps mama grounded with scents that remind her this is where she’s meant to be. That everything is in place, as foreign as it may feel.

Before the Glow Diffuser, I was a groggy mess in the evenings. Night-time was the darkest. Getting up was a pain. I hated the disruption of my slumber. Casey was fussy, and I was always on edge. Since introducing Vitruvi’s Glow Diffuser into my routine, my night-feedings have become much more enjoyable. The scents cut straight through the fog. Aroma therapy at its finest. And it’s as if Casey picked up on it, too! If babies can truly pick up on our emotions, then we could use a lot more zen, mamas.

The light doubles as a task light for times when Casey is sleeping in the bed-side bassinet but I am not quite ready to retire. They say sleep when baby sleeps, but sometimes what you really need is to reclaim a bit of your time. I can read a book in bed with the Glow Diffuser on my nightstand. I can also move it to my desk space on the other side of the bedroom and work. Sometimes my husband and I speak in hushed whispers about parenthood before drifting off to sleep. The light mimics romantic candlelight, perfect for relaxation and easing into bed. And if we happen to fall asleep before turning it off, then it’s no brighter than a nightlight and none of us would know any better.

Vitruvi hands down makes some of the prettiest diffusers on the market. They are elegant, timeless, and modern in that minimalist way. Their stone diffusers have taken over every influencer’s home, but for me, the Glow Diffuser is what fits in mine. It is tiny, which is perfect for our small space. It is light and portable, which is great for movement (whether that’s from room to room or for our travels). There are two possible settings: continuously running for 4 hours, or intermittently running for 8. Because of its size, it doesn’t take much water to fill the tank, and I am shocked that it lasts the full four hours run-time!

I like that the scent is strong enough to fill a corner of the room, without being over-powering. The confinement of scent is a good feature to have when there’s a baby sharing the space. I can enjoy the soothing benefits of Vitruvi’s amazing scents without overwhelming Casey’s developing senses.

Vitruvi boasts luscious oil blends, which have many benefits for mood. I would highly recommend Vitruvi’s Signature Kit. It features blended scents that encapsulates this time period in a mama’s life. Legacy blend reminds me who I was before and motivates me to reclaim parts of my previous self. Sleep blend nourishes me in the now and gets me to rest when I need to. Pacific blend gives me a taste of the outdoors when I’m stuck at home, making it easier to stay present. And Golden blend is a sneak peek of what’s to come – the beacon of light on the darkest of days.

Since being gifted the Glow Diffuser for Mother’s Day, I have felt the fog lift. The scents cut through the haze, providing me with some clarity as to my new role in his life. I’m starting to retain bits of myself while adapting to someone new. Every mama could use that. Because of this, Vitruvi’s Glow Diffuser goes on my top 5 things every newborn mammy needs.

Vitruvi is a company elevating homes with their gorgeous diffusers and luscious scents. This post was sponsored by Vitruvi who kindly gifted us their Glow Diffuser and their Signature Kit of essential oils blends. The links in this post are affiliate links from which The Debtist may receive a small commission shall you decide to purchase Vitruvi products. As always, the thoughts and opinions are my own, as well as all creative content.

Memorializing Casey’s Story with Kept Collection

In a world where overwhelm is the social norm, it’s nice to discover a baby book reimagined. One that works well for a busy mama. Or a late-to-the-party mama. Or a mama who just doesn’t have the energy to sort through a million photos on her phone, organize them onto a page, and write little cute anecdotes for each pic. Kept Collection has created a baby book for the modern world. It is a book that will keep up with the business of life, go with the flow, and stand the tests of time.

Kept Collection got it incredibly right with their open-ended templates that hone in on what you care about remembering. This leads to individualization of each page. No books could ever be alike. The book is easy to complete, with prompts that help parents jot down ideas, memorable moments, and important events. The layout removes the added stress of trying to figure out WHAT exactly to put in a baby book. The templates give a guideline for keep-saking, without the added pressure.

Plus these books aren’t just for mamas! Dads, too, have a great time filling in these pages. Their added perspective or alternative view would be worth jotting down, as it may be completely different from mom! These would make great gifts for new grads as well. Personally, I would have loved to read what was going on inside my mom’s mind when I was growing up. I would love to know what moments she cherished, and which challenges were most difficult. If I received a book like this from my parents, it could have guided me on my own parenthood journey. It’s a book that has a place on a shelf in your child’s future home.

I honestly can’t say enough good things about this baby book. I am absolutely in love with it! And they are gorgeous. Kept Collection baby books are bound by beautiful linens in rich, earthy tones. The brand uses US-based materials that are high-quality, and the pages themselves are smyth-sewn. Holding this book in my hands feels all sorts of special. It is something worth cherishing.

This post was in collaboration with Kept Collection who kindly gifted us a book to try. As always this is my honest review. This book has earned its keep on our shelf. One day, I hope to gift it to Casey, so that he may know some of the finer moments we forget to recall.

Breastfeeding Essentials for Nursing Moms

Breastfeeding is its own kind of monster. I was more prepared for the birthing part than I was for the aftermath. That is, swollen boobs, plugged armpit nodes, spilled milk, sore nips, and a whole lot of tears. TMI? I spared you the more painful bits. Let’s just say I walked around the house like Quasimodo until I figured out how to relieve the pressure. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Every midnight melt-down I had was related to breastfeeding somehow. That being said, there are a number of sanity-saving, breastfeeding essentials that I can’t imagine surviving without. Previous mamas paved the way, as did my lactation consultant who is absolutely heaven sent. Here are a few necessary items that I suggest you get BEFORE the arrival of your newborn. Trust me, every item is an investment for your breastfeeding future – and your serenity.

Breastfeeding Essentials for Nursing Moms

+ A very good ALL-IN-ONE nursing and pumping bra. This bra from Kindred Bravely is a work horse. It is an absolute favorite of mine. I can pump on one side and nurse on the other. I can also pump on both sides and the bra holds my Spectra S2 pump parts in place while I read a book or scroll through Insta (guilty!). Without the bra, I would have to hold both pump parts in place. If you also use a Haakaa and hand-express or manually pump, this bra will ensure it stays in place even if the suction comes lose while breastfeeding on the opposite side. Anything that avoids uselessly spilled milk is a blessing in my book! (I also own Kindred Bravely’s French Terry Nursing Sleep Bra and it is the softest material ever! So COZY! I use it exclusively at night time.)

+ Silverette Nursing Cups. Another mama gifted me nursing cups from Silverette USA when she heard I was expecting. “Nothing else gave my boobs relief except these bad boys,” she wrote candidly in the card. Alas, I can attest that these silver dollars are a life-saver. It protects nips from chafing and provides relief during off hours. It holds the breastmilk intact in case of leaky boobs and protects nipple cream being wiped away by your cotton bra. Lastly, it covers nips completely from drafts and wind. Nothing is worse than cold air on sore, aching nipples. Since I use these, I haven’t yet had to use a single disposable nursing pad insert!

+ Lanolin Nipple Cream. I bought this even before I gave birth and I am so glad I did! This product is soothing. I apply it right after each feeding. Then I cover up with the Silverette cups which I hold in place with my Kindred Bravely bra. It’s an entire production!

+My Brest Friend Nursing Pillow. I have tried multiple nursing pillows but this one worked the best for me. I even tried the larger, deluxe version of this pillow but the original size fits my small frame best. It literally acts as a “workstation” for breast-feeding. The pillow prevents spilled milk and messes from getting on the couch, bed, or chair. The pocket can store bibs, baby bottles, and even my cell phone. On either side of the pillow are two bumps which support the baby’s head during feeding. It is comfortable for me to wear despite having a C-section, and the back support is absolute clutch! My husband also loves this boppy and wears it when he is bottle feeding Casey.

+ Mother’s Milk Tea. My best friend gifted me Mother’s Milk Tea when I was still expecting. I saved them until now. I drink one every day, which is supposed to help with milk production. In general, though, any tea that relaxes me also helps with breastfeeding. Nursing success highly depends on mom’s stress levels (hence why it’s important to invest in these essentials!). A cup of calm chamomile definitely does the trick!

+ Comfortable Robes. Look. During this time, I am nothing but a milk machine. It may sound dramatic, but I feel like I just set the baby down when he is already ready for another feeding. We feed every 1.5 to 3 hours, and some feedings take an hour. Soooooo, yes the math adds up. That being said, I have to be ever ready to feed and robes are just so much more comfortable than getting dressed. When we are at home all day, I will opt for a robe instead of a button down shirt. My favorite place to source robes are Coyuchi and Parachute Home.

+ Haakaa – The Haakaa is great for catching let-down. Which happens both while feeding baby on one side, or randomly after hearing baby’s cries. It also happens right after a warm shower! All that feel-good vibes really spikes the oxytocin, which promotes milk flow. I own two just so can catch let-down from both sides while I get ready after a good shower. These babies are so easy to use, too! Simply suction it onto the non-latched boob and it’ll ensure not a single drop of milk is wasted. Just be careful baby doesn’t pop it off with one mighty kick.

+ A Hassle-Free Night-Time Nursing PJ Set – I started out wearing my husband’s oversized T-Shirts as my C-section scar healed, but they immediately were ruined by the third day when my milk supply came in. So my mom brought me robes to wear all day long, but at night-time, I couldn’t hop into bed with a tangly robe! So I turned to button down tops that I had in stock. Flannels worked until it got too hot (I blame the hormones). As summer nears, a short-sleeve night-time nursing PJ set like the ones from Hatch are a must-have! These are my favorite!

Of course, there are other things that would be nice to have but we did not end up buying. A glider would be life-changing, but our tiny home cannot permit much more baby items, let alone a furniture piece. I’ve also considered reusable wool nursing pads. Two should do the trick, but I am making do with the nipple shields for now. And it seems like no matter how often we launder, there could never be too many bras. If you have any other must-haves, feel free to share with the community! Mamas helping mamas are my favorite thing.

This post may contain affiliate links. Please see my disclosure to learn more.

An Extravagant Mother’s Day Gift-Guide

As a newly made mum, I am more keen on celebrating the specialness of motherhood this year. The journey is only beginning, but even the nine months before I could physically hold you felt like something worth celebrating. I’ve always been a fan of simplicity, but this year especially, I am collecting gift options that are both simple AND fancy. Something that screams, “you are special“. Because that’s how I feel about my body as well as my baby. As a deep thank-you to the mamas out there who have delivered, breastfed, given up sleep, sacrificed careers, and more. Here is an extravagant mother’s day gift-guide.

An Extravagant Mother’s Day Gift Guuide

Slip dress that works all around the clock for every occasion. Whether it’s lounging at home, going to cocktail hour, or brunching with friends, this dress will carry you through it all.
Personalized pendants that signify what matters most.
Eye Protection for soccer games, beach days, BBQs and that beloved vacation you’re dreaming about.
Comfy flip-flops because who has the time to tie shoes? Slip it on and go.
Mommy glow is the secret to looking dewy fresh, despite the lack of sleep.
A routine to keep you in tip-top shape, without the hassle of remembering what’s what.

Of course, my personal favorite brand for expensive gifts is non other than the niche J. Hannah. They are currently having their bi-annual sale this week (April 30- May 7). Use code BEJEWELED to get 20% OFF sitewide. Personally, one that I find endearing is this stacked inlay signet ring wherein a mother of pearl encircles a recycled diamond. My birthstone is pearl and my son’s birthstone is diamond so it’s quite fitting. I also love the thick band. One thing I have to say about J Hannah is that the quality of the jewelry is unmatched. Small-scale pieces made to order with a focus on recycling metals and precious stones is what this brand is all about. I own many of her jewelry pieces, and if you like the ethereal, check out the well-matching polish too!

If you are more of the quality-time type, check out How I Want to Spend My First Mother’s Day.

For those loving acts of service, read what I wish others would offer to help a new mum.

Past Mother’s Day Gift Guides

This post may contain affiliate links. Please see my disclosure to learn more.

How I Want to Spend My First Mother’s Day

It’s been a full week being a new mum. I’m still getting the hang of it, groggily looking to my equally tired husband for validation that we are sort-of doing something right. To be honest with you, how I want to spend my first Mother’s Day is quite homely. I have no desire for a crowded brunch with the grandparents, or gathering for a family get-together. Definitely not hoping to socialize or travel somewhere. I know this will change as my role evolves in the next year. But for now, it’s all about recovery.

It’s also about spending as much time with my main man and his handsome pops. I keep reminding myself, “out there is not where you need to be right now.” He will never be this small again. My husband gently reminds me to slow it down. Enjoy this time as it is. So I want to take heed this Mother’s Day. Be mindful and intentional. Here area few ways I want to spend mother’s day.

How I Want to Spend My First Mother’s Day

+ I want to sleep in.

+ I want a hand massage. If I am faring better, maybe a manicure, too.

+ I want decent pastries or delicious doughnuts, served in bed with a good latte.

+ If I can stomach it, maybe some sunlight and fresh air.

+ A good book in my lap.

+ A vase of farm flowers.

+ Newborn, husband, and cat snuggles.

I look forward to what I think this will look like in a year. More rest in tow, I would hope. Perhaps a brunch date with a sister or a spa day with my mum. I envision a beach day with my family, or a hike in the hills. Imagine a wine tour in Temecula, or cocktail hour in Spring. I’m sure it’ll look very different, but now is not the time. Right now, I am happy just being here.

Photo by Uliana Kopanytsia on Unsplash

For Newly Made Parents

The alternative title for this post was “What Newly Made Parents Really Want.” The answer to which is an SOS flag and the arrival of help. It doesn’t matter if these are first-time parents or ones well-versed in child-rearing. Every new set of parents need help. And I don’t mean help holding the baby.

I had a co-worker once tell me that her mom would come over and offer to take the baby from her hands. After a C-section delivery, she said, “What I needed at the time was not someone to hold my baby. I needed someone to cook dinner for my husband when I can’t get out of bed!”

Another girlfriend recently told me over coffee, “My mom kept offering to feed my baby, when that was something I was capable of doing. Meanwhile, the dishes in the sink had been piled up for days and the dog needed dinner!”

So I decided to offer a list of things that newly made parents might really want. Please don’t be offended if it’s not to share the first few moments of their newborn’s life with you. It’s okay if they don’t want to socialize, or go out, or entertain. Right now, they need you for other roles, most of which are frugal or free.

What Newly Made Parents Really Want

Fresh sheets. When a recovering mother and a sleepless father can barely get out of bed, the last thing they’ll want to do is change the sheets and do the laundry. However, having spent all day lying down in said bed, a change of sheets would be heavenly. When we left for the hospital, my water had broken in the middle of the night so we had tossed the sheets into the hamper for later. We came home to a bed that needed making the evening we were allowed to go home. It’s like an adult’s bane of existence – being ready for bed and having to do the sheets. Now that we’ve been home three days, our sheets are ready for changing again. Recovering from a C -section means I am mostly bed-ridden. Then again, being a newborn parent means Mikey is mostly bed-ridden, too.

A cake loaf, or sourdough bread and special jam. This could be an unpopular opinion but a buttered slice of sourdough in the wee hours of morning or a cake slice in the afternoon can be so rejuvenating! If you care to make it with love, here are a few recipes to try: Lemon Poppyseed Loaf, Chocolate Chip Walnut Banana Bread or My Sourdough Bread Recipe. Although I’m sure take-out from a local bakery would be just as endearing. Mike and I found ourselves exhausted on the second morning back from the hostpital. His dad wanted to see baby at 9am but Mike had just hopped into bed at 6:30am, after staying up three hours with our little one so I could get some shut-eye. I called his dad saying we were lagging behind for breakfast. So he went to a nearby cafe and brought over breakfast burritos and cinnamon rolls, which was a life saver!

Housekeeping. If you don’t mind cleaning duties, a quick vaccuum of the rug, sweep of the floor, loading or unloading of a dishwasher or dusting of furniture does wonders. If you’d prefer, hire a housekeeper to pop in during a time that works for mum and dad. My parents visited the second night we were home. They brought us take-out and unloaded the dishwasher of the clean dishes that needed to be put away. They also loaded the dishwasher and took out the trash. We were so grateful that night. It really set us up for a successful feeding and sleeping schedule with our new babe.

Pet Sitting. Dropping by to walk the dog or feed the cat can take a load off their plate. As a pet sitter, I know how grateful parents are when their pet family members get the attention and love they deserve, at a time when it’s running short in the home. You can even create a whole business out of this! Ask new parents to refer you to other new parents in order to gain more clients. Allergic or not a fan of furry friends? Why not hire a walker for the family? My dad swung by the house every night we were at the hospital to feed our cat. I was able to focus on recovering from an emergency C-section without worrying about our other family member left at home.

A new book. Send it via app, drop off a recent read, or do a library haul. Leave it behind so they can get some relaxing time. While I havent had a chance to even look at a book (let alone read one), this is a great idea for dads or maybe recovering moms who have it more managed than I. Check out the books I read about parenting and pregnancy that helped me through my journey.

A vase of fresh flowers. Fresh florals are a solution that doesn’t lead to clutter or require much upkeep. Just a gentle reminder that life is beautiful during what may be a difficult transition. I’ve received so many beautiful bouquets that have cheered me up during my lowest of lows. Just knowing that I was loved really help me transition out of the dark moments – like when I cried over spilled milk (literally) or when breastfeeding seemed too much to continue on.

Moisturizing lotions, heat packs, and other self-care bits. It’s a time of heavy hand-washing and hunched over laboring. Simple products such as baby salves, sitz-bath salts, or massage balls will be a huge stress-relief. I have my girlfriends to thank for this. So many of my gals who have experienced motherhood before stepped up and provided all the awkward items that no one wants to talk about. The reality is, their openness and honesty helped me mentally prepare for what feels like the toughest moments of my life.

A free photo shoot. Have a knack for the camera? Offer to pop-by and photograph the new stages of life. It may not be something they’re even thinking about or initially want. But these fleeting moments of parenthood do pass by quite quickly. A memento of even the toughest times will eventually become a tribute to the best days of their life. My dad brought over his camera and took pictures of us as a family. One of my dog-sitter’s pawrents offered to do a photoshoot for baby. And Mike’s dad snapped photos of us after a fairly rough night at home and a bout of crying over aforementioned spilled milk.

Photo by Ryan Kwok on Unsplash

Less Waste: Blueland

This post is sponsored by Blueland. Blueland is created by a fellow mum who wished to reduce the microplastics in our oceans and landfills. When her kids were born, she realized how much these microplastics end up in the food she was feeding her kids. At the time, finding sustainably packaged household products was almost impossible. Hence, she created a company that offers everyday household cleaning items packaged in biodegradable packaging. Blueland is making refillable house products easily accessible and affordable. I partnered with Blueland to try a few of their products for this year’s Earth Day.

I started my less waste journey in 2017. It remember clearly how lost, angry, and helpless I felt after watching the documentary Plastic Oceans on Netflix. I raged on the web about the indecency of plastic products, and sought out eco-conscious companies. This was before sustainability became popularized. Ethical companies were few and far between. I struggled to grocery shop for things without plastic. A lot has changed since then. Thanks to companies such as Blueland, these products are now easily accessible everywhere.

Blueland is offering a one-stop shop for everyday cleaning supplies packaged sans plastic. My two favorite products that they offer are the toilet bowl cleaner and the plastic-less dish pods for the dishwasher. Despite the plethora of sustainably packaged products out there, these two in particular are difficult to find. I love that they come with refillable tins if you don’t already have some at home. These items arrive packaged in paper bags and the online shop makes ordering refills a jiff. I like to store mine in glass jars under the bathroom and kitchen sink.

The Toilet Bowl Cleaner Starter Pack has everything you need to keep your toilet nice and shiny. We clean ours at least once a month per our ultimate cleaning list. Other toilet bowl cleaners on the market are liquid solutions packaged in a squeezable plastic bottle. I love that these are simple tabs that you drop directly into the toilet bowl. It’s crazy to think that there is no bleach or hydrochloric acid in this product, as it does a fabulous job cleaning the toilet! Plus I love the lemony scent. You can easily order the refills here, and if you subscribe, you do save 10%.

Likewise, the dishwasher starter set is equally as amazing. Most dishwasher soaps come as pods packaged in plastic or in a plastic bottle as liquid soap. Occasionally, I see the cheaper, boxed powder version, which is great for the environment but has all these nasty chemicals in it. You can tell from the strong smell of those soaps that they can’t honestly be good for the dishes we eat from. On the contrary, Blueland’s plastic-free tabs feature clean ingredients. There is no petroleum, artificial dyes or fragrances, ammonia, or parabens. As a soon-to-be-mom, these are the things I’ve started to care about. The refill packs can be ordered here and also come with 10% off if you subscribe.

But here’s a sweeter deal!

Not only is April 22nd Earth Day, it’s also Blueland’s anniversary! The home essentials brand launched four years ago this Earth Day to to help eliminate single-use plastic and make it easy for people to make sustainable choices with no-waste, tablet-based refillable products. To celebrate, Blueland is making the first step to a more eco-friendly lifestyle/home easier than ever by offering 20% off sitewide—no minimum purchase needed. This offer lasts 4/21/23 – 4/23/23.

Other Blueland Products I am Excited About

As always, thank you for supporting the companies that support this space.

Questions Expecting Working Moms Should Be Asking Their Significant Other

I am currently reading the book Power Moms: How Executive Mothers Navigate Work and Life by Joann S. Lublin and it resonates with me really well. The book addresses the pervading dichotomy between mother and father societal expectations when it comes to parenting at home. I am comforted to see gender roles starting to blend more on the homefront, but this traditional “second-shift” still exists in many households and should not go unmentioned.

I, myself, delayed child-rearing after learning that the discrepancy between male and female salaries depend not on your gender, but rather, if you chose to have a child as a woman. A childless female makes comparable career moves up the social ladder but a mother does not. Because I took out a looming student loan, I knew when we married six months out of dental school that I did not want to impede my ability to make money and live my life. Now that we’ve set ourselves up financially and have financial freedom, I feel more ready and able to move forward.

Still, working moms need to have conversations with their significant others about expectations. If anything, as a courtesy to the other person. More importantly, as a team-effort to set both parents up for familial success. You may be surprised to learn that despite awareness around gender equality, the traditional roles are still discreetly embedded in everyday language and thereby everyday thinking. Even now, at a time when parenting roles are at their most equal, I got comments from people such as, “You’re not going to want to come back to work after becoming a mom”, “You’re leaving too early for your maternity leave” (I left 2.5 weeks before my due date), and one boss even cut my work a few weeks earlier than when I originally requested for my time off.

Not that I complained about any of it, because I’ve established financial independence from work either way. And I was quite looking forward to my maternity leave. But that’s kind of exactly my point. We should complain about it. Or at least bring it up with someone, somewhere. I would say, with significant others to start.

Look. You are a power mom. You work a career that you want to move up in. You have your own life, needs, and wants. You can make sacrifices, but in an equal manner. And let’s be totally clear. There is no TRUE equality when it comes to divvying up household responsibilities but at least have peace with what you end up doing. Having these conversations early allows time for adjustment. We started talking about stuff even before we became pregnant. Doing so provides a guideline for how to handle “problems” before they even happen. Both parents will be more prepared for rising challenges. The answers are by no means rigid, but its a starting place.

Questions Expecting Working Moms Should Ask

What roles is each parent responsible for at home? What chores do you like to do? What do you wish you didn’t have to do? Which ones can we divvy up evenly? For example, I love doing dishes, and Mike is great at cooking. His best quality in the kitchen is cutting and dicing, while I am particularly keen on stirring, frying, organizing ingredients and putting things away. He hates folding laundry, and I hate cat litter. He pulls the trashcan out every week, but I usually clean the bathroom stall. Find what you excel at, love to do, and try to volunteer for those first. As for the rest, find a way to share the task or get someone else to do it.
What is one way to organize family life? I bought a monthly calendar for our bedroom so we can keep track of appointments. You can also share a Google Drive which a friend of ours does, but I find that Mike never looks at it and then it’s just wasted effort. At least the monthly calendar in our room is in the hallway between the bed and the bathroom. Plenty of opportunity to pass it by both in the morning and at night. Another thing to consider is using to-doist or some other app to keep track of household chores that need to get done. As a team, make an effort to check off something from the list that could help lighten the load for the other person. A to-doist list could include making doctor appointments for the kids, picking up grocery items, or planning future events with the in-laws.
If the baby is sick, which one of us stays home? We have decided that it will be Mike as he can technically do his work remotely. He has actually been WFH since 2020. Because I see patients at the clinic, canceling my day of dentistry will affect way more people than him working from home. At the same time, we can call on grandparents to help support him while he works from home. As compromise, I promise to try to move patients around my schedule (perhaps skip lunch) so that I could have a shorter day and come home sooner to help him with our sick child. My office is also only 5 miles away, making it easy for me to jet home and help the family out. In comparison, his office is 28 miles away, which would make it more difficult if the roles were reversed.
Who cares about their career more? I think it’s fair to say that the person who cares about their career more should get first dibs on career moves. Mike LOVES his job. I like mine just fine, but I also dabble in other passions such as dog-sitting that I don’t think mine is as important to bend over backwards for. My career also has more flexibility in general, as I can pick up shifts at other offices, work at multiple offices as an associate or even open my own practice. When it comes to risking losing a job, I would give mine up in a heartbeat if it means Mike gets to keep his.
Who can have the most flexible schedule? The person with the more flexible schedule has more opportunity to help at home. It does not meet they have to bear the weight. But acknowledging the flexibility is a great starting point to setting boundaries or limitations to that flexibility.
Can we split time with baby at home? As someone who grew up with one stay-at-home parent and one always-away parent, I was very aware of the inequality of time allocation. My dad actually traveled a lot for work. He was gone a week at a time, meeting with clients in Asia. He also worked multiple jobs and did night and weekend shifts at Staples, Blockbuster, and Robinson’s May. It affected me a lot to always have one missing parent, so even when we got married, I told Mike that I prefer his jobs don’t take him away on travel. Growing up with that, I wanted to try my best to share our time with baby. Not only was it enough that I was home, but I want him to be home too. We are lucky in that we both have work flexibility. He plans to go into the office Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. I plan to go into a dental office Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Both of us will be home on Sundays. That gives us 4 days to be at home every week. Not everyone has this flexibility, although there are plenty of ways to make it work. For example, I know of a couple wherein the dad works night shifts and mom works day shifts. They take turns spending time and raising their two kids, even if it means they hardly see each other. To them, that was a priority.
How much money do we actually have to make? Where can we cut? You may be surprised to learn that post-baby’s birth, you don’t have the same desires as you once did. Those late nights at the bar, loud concerts, and constant travel may be a chapter in your life that ends. It isn’t a bad thing. But realizing where you can cut can actually alleviate or remove financial stress, which is what many parents struggle with. Figure out the amount of money you really need, then establish a way to achieve that goal while reallocating the other work hours you used to spend doing new things at home.
What will we do for an emergency fund? This should definitely be a question answered, as there will be emergencies. Knowing where the money will come from (whether that be from a savings account, from family and friends, from stocks, or by selling off something you own) will make it more seamless when you need money right away for an emergency.
How often will we do finance check ins? In our family, we do weekly budgeting meetings since we got married. Making sure your finances are squared away will make the family unit run so much more smoothly. We use YNAB as our budgeting tool and it is easy, efficient, and accessible to both of us.
How often will we do mental health check-ins? Role equality check-ins? I think once a quarter, we will voice our resentments, difficulties, and hopes. We also plan to re-evaluate our roles. Are the tasks we are doing at home equal? Is someone slipping on their duties? Is it a matter of needing to re-assign tasks or hire a third-party to outsource a task in order to prioritize other things?
What are ways in which we can get increased support shall we need it? Call on the grandparents to take shifts on weekdays? Ask for grandparents to do babysitting on weekends so we can do errands or go on a date night? Hire an au pair if the grandparents aren’t working out or if it is too heavy of a burden on them and us? Hire a part-time nanny or sign them up for daycare or pre-school?
What are things that rejuvenate you and your partner? When I see my partner struggling, I know that he either needs sleep, space, or time to himself. Things that rejuvenate him are music, whiling away on the phone or computer, video games, or the TV. I am quite the opposite. Things that rejuvenate me include working out, taking a shower, getting some sunlight either by walking or swimming, writing/journaling, or reading a book. But like him, I also need that space or time to myself to feel human. That being said, you need to find space in the schedule for you-time. For example, we’ve talked about carving out a few hours a week before or after work for our own sanity.
How often shall we make time for us? The all-important question. It was you two before any of this started. Make sure it’s still you two when it ends.

A Word on Modern Dads Pulling Their Weight At Home

I must say, I swell with pride when I see amazing dads take to the homefront more. There are a lot of you out there, and I see you. In fact, as of 2016, 17% of men are stay-at-home dads. One of our best friends recently decided to be the stay-at-home dad while his career-driven wife does the bread-winning. We have another friend who works-from-home and brings their baby daughter on his wife’s conference trips, since she travels a lot and works directly under the VP of the company. Because the entire family travels with her on these trips, his wife is still able to breast feed their 6+ month baby during conference breaks. Another father in our neighborhood is home with his son every day and takes him out on walks a few times a day. I’ve seen him diligently care for their boy while his wife goes into work.

My own dad became a work-from-home dad in 2008, thereby allowing my mom (who gave up her job in the 90’s in order to raise three children) to go back to work again. Today my dad preps my mom’s lunches for the day, walks the dog, and does household errands on his down-time from work. And now that I am on my own parenting journey, my own husband has been able to secure WFH every Tuesday and Friday, thereby allowing me to work at a dental office on Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. I am excited to know that our son will be raised with both of his parents at home equally. But none of this would have happened if we did not talk about our expectations first!

Photo by Rachel Moenning on Unsplash