As the arrival of baby number two draws near, I am revisiting what is essential for newborn babies. By way of stuff, I would describe our style of parenthood as mostly minimalist. And yet, we’ve had our battles with the constant consumerist pitch. How can you not? There is a new iteration of nearly all baby products we’ve purchased less than a year and a half ago. We’ve decided to make do with what we have instead of upgrading. Sure, for a few baby essentials we’ve decided to double down. But for the most part, we will be taking Casey’s things and reusing. And he will have to practice at a young age how to make do without. As for the rest, I will be decluttering to make space. Here are a few baby essentials that in my opinion are necessary to have.

A Note to First Time Moms:

You don’t need much to make a happy home. Just the bare necessities and a community of people who loves your child. They don’t even necessarily have to be related to you by blood. I have never felt like I failed my kid by providing less material goods. My son has grown up to be a joyful and happy boy. Running in the grass and finding birds in the sky is his favorite past-time. Sure, a soccer ball or a pack of bubbles makes it more joyous. But I can say with certainty that it isn’t a requirement of his. All of this to assure you that choosing to provide less doesn’t necessarily make your child’s life less adequate. If anything, it creates space for more creativity, contentment, quality time, and gratitude. I know I have my biases, but at the end of the day this is what works for us. And every mom should be empowered to do what works for their family. Without further ado, my baby essentials, revisited.

Baby Essentials, Revisited

+ Diapers: We used cloth diapers exclusively for the first six months of Casey’s life before he started on solids. It was fairly easy to do with a washer and dryer at home. More importantly, it saved us money and it reduced environmental waste. And now that we have a second on the way, it pays back in two-fold. Our cloth diapers come from Esembly, and the size 1’s lasted six months. If you want to continue using cloth diapers after starting solids, they sell size 2’s. These worked for my mom friend until her baby was over 1 year old. You can read about my experience with cloth diapering here and decide if it’s truly right for you.

+ Wipes: We’ve always used disposable wipes for Casey, out of convenience. Since we traveled often, the disposable wipes served better. I have always chosen Burt’s Bees wipes. To cut costs and waste, we cut the wipes in half when he was a newborn. We stored the cut wipes in this Ubbi Wipes Holder so they didn’t dry out.

+ Car seat: I think car seats and strollers go without saying. We have tried multiple car seats (4 en total). For the newborn phase, we loved the Nuna Pipa RX. It clicked in and out of a base and we could leave baby asleep in the car seat when needed. Eventually, though, they have to transition out of that. Our son grew out of it quickly. The car seat we liked the best is the Nuna REVV Rotating Convertible Carseat. If you want to go the minimalist route, skip Pipa RX and go with the REVV. It comes with an infant insert for the newborn babies. Just be ready to transition baby into a crib if they fall asleep during a car ride.

+ Stroller: We have the Uppababy Cruz V2 stroller and we are sticking with it for the second one. It doesn’t convert to a double stroller, but I don’t think we need one even with a 19 month age gap. We actually did consider buying a double stroller but I find them heavy and bulky. We’ve compromised by choosing the Piggy Back Stroller Board attachment. Casey is now able to walk, but at least we have an option for when he gets tired. We also own the Doona Liki Trike, which I highly recommend for toddlers. It is light-weight, travel-friendly, and much cheaper than a new stroller.

+ Swaddles: You don’t need much for swaddling. The muslin types worked alright but for us the velcro swaddles were better. One or two of the velcro swaddles was more than enough. Laundry runs aplenty during those early months, and you aren’t changing the swaddles every night.

+ Feeding Supplies: I thought I would breastfeed entirely for at least 6 months. But Casey had other plans. We ended up doing half formula, half breastmilk for 3 months, and then switching to 100% formula after that. That being said, I don’t know what I would have done without my Baby Brezza Formula Dispenser. Mike and I say it’s the best gift we received from the baby shower. It was a godsend during those late night feedings. For bottles we stuck with Dr. Brown’s bottles. My favorite bottle brush was Booni’s Cactus Brush Set and we used Oxo Tot’s Drying Rack.

+ Clothes: I have yet to buy clothes for Casey, and I plan to do the same for my second. We are fortunate enough to have a great Buy Nothing group. A majority of our baby items were supplied through there, clothes non-exempt. I wrote about utilizing your local Buy Nothing group to save money here. FACT: Newborns don’t need shoes (in California). And you can avoid socks and mittens if you stick to footie pajamas with hand covers. You can make do with one jacket. We mostly kept Casey in the stroller or car seat with a blanket over him when we went out.

+ A snot sucker: Hear me out. This is one of the baby items that you won’t know you need until you do. Our son got the cold a few times during the winter months, and this snot sucker alleviated him so well! He was able to sleep better after using it. I found it way more useful than a diaper balm (which we barely used). Unfortunately, there was no other good way to relieve a plugged up nose.

Nice to Have

+ Sound Machine: We went out a lot with Casey. The sound machine helped him stay asleep while we stayed social. To this day, he uses a sound machine. It is one of the few baby items we doubled up on for baby number two.

+ Diaper Bag: For our family, a diaper bag is necessary. We have used this diaper bag almost every day of Casey’s life. We like to go on family adventures, out to the park or to coffee shops and restaurants. At almost 18 months old, we take it to his gym and swim classes, to stores and play dates. Of course you can always make do without by substituting a tote bag. Especially if you love to spend quality time at home with your newborn.

+ Bottle Washer, Sterilizer and Dryer: This second go-around, we were generously gifted the Baby Brezza Bottle Washer, Sterilizer and Dryer. I have already run it a few times to sterilize Casey’s bottles for baby number two. It works so well and saves a TON of time. I wouldn’t necessarily call it essential, but it’s nice to have.

And that’s about it for the newborn stage. When Casey was born, we lived in a small space. We didn’t even have a crib until we moved out of that home. We were gifted the Baby Bassinet of my dreams. I will be using the same bassinet for the next one. But to be honest, you don’t really need one. Many parents co-sleep or put them in the crib straight away.

I like to compare to what I thought I needed before becoming a mom. You can check out my minimalist curated registry for my first born here. Obviously today’s newborn essentials list is more pared down. That’s because the baby registry was with our son’s first year in mind. And to be honest, there are a few items on my original list that I didn’t actually need. Here are the items on the original registry that we rarely used:

• Chicco Alfa Lite Travel Play Yard – we mostly used a crib in hotels when we traveled.
• Baby Bjorn Mini Carrier – I preferred pushing the stroller. I had an emergency C-section and couldn’t carry a baby in front of me.
• Hatch Rest 2nd Gen – we didn’t even open it. We returned it and made do with a travel sound machine.
• Humidifier – He was born in April and we felt it unnecessary to run the humidifier.
• Lalo Play Gym – Casey hated tummy time. However, now that we’ve converted the Play Gym to a Play Tent, he loves it as a toddler. So I guess we played the long-game with that one.
• Baby Camera. We bring it when we travel, but hardly use the camera.
• Nanobebe bottles – Casey preferred the Dr. Brown’s bottles. Such a bummer because these were way easier to clean and so pretty.
• Frida’s Baby Soft Sink Bather – While it was convenient to use for Casey, the Lalo tub is enough. It functions from newborn to toddlerhood. And the soft sink bather eventually started to have a smell.
• Frida 3-in-1 thermometer – We have yet to use once!

Did you have empowering conversations as a working mother before maternity leave? I recently finished the book “Heading Home” by Shani Orgad. It re-affirmed that despite “feminist progress”, a neofeminism has emerged wherein a lack of social change led to a failed promise of equality for working mothers. The book interviews 40 highly-educated women (lawyers, doctors, CEOs, and the like) who exchanged their careers to be SAHMs. The overall consensus from these women was that they felt the need to stop work due to lack of support from both the workplace and at home.

While some tried the balancing act of career woman and motherhood, they ultimately decided it was impossible to be successful at both. The women all had plans to return to their professions eventually, but found it difficult to do after a few years out of the industry. It was a bleak collection of stories, one that highlights the women’s confusion as to how they ended up where they are.

A Few Takeaways from Heading Home

At the end of the book, I had a few key takeaways that I wanted to bring up. First, the stories seemed to have a disconnect between expectation and reality. These women expected equal division in the household, but upon re-entering the work force as mothers they found that most of the housework was still on their shoulders. Even if they had a nanny or housecleaner, the mothers still acted like CEOs of their homes. I get that because I recently published a post about how I treat motherhood like a business. Yes, I am guilty of being the CEO of our family.

But the inequalities at home didn’t end with just running family matters. Most of the women interviewed had the responsibility of leaving work if the kids got sick. And the women were the ones who altered their working hours, negotiating flexible schedules or WFH situations. Many chose to go back part-time whereas their partners carried on per usual working the traditional M-F 9-5. I also relate as I cut my working hours when I had Casey and Mike has difficulty calling off work or requesting for more WFH days. Women often suffer in their careers by cutting their hours.

The Importance of Conversations

The truth is that these women failed to have the right conversations in their workplace and households. They had extremely high expectations of themselves as mothers that they admitted their partners didn’t have as fathers. But the discrepancy was never discussed. The social upbringing that women have today still champion the notion that women are the main caregivers of society. These women embraced that belief and assumed the role of SAHM because they felt they had to. But why did they never speak up? These are highly educated women! Some of them even made more than their husbands.

I think women still suffer from imposter syndrome. Many of them indicated that they felt like they could not keep up with work. Even though they did great before having kids! Heck, most of them thrived and LOVED their jobs. So what changed their perception? True equality requires that these women feel supported. If they aren’t supported at home, they won’t be fully functional at work. Likewise, if they weren’t supported at work, then they’ll feel failure as mothers. Instead of bearing the brunt of that responsibility on our shoulders, we need to have conversations with our spouses and our bosses about equal opportunity.

So I wanted to gather in this post a list of conversation topics that I think is very important to have with people at work and at home. I recommend expecting working mothers to have their conversations early, and earnestly. Before maternity leave is best, because when you are in the thick of it, managing these difficulties get even harder.

Conversations Working Mothers Need to Have Before Maternity Leave

At the Workplace

• What are my rights in regards to getting the maximum maternity leave so that I can make the transition to working motherhood? I learned this from my first go-around. I came back 2.5 months after my C-section to cover for a doctor but they had to give me a pumping break every two hours which disrupted my production at the dental office. This time around, I asked for a full four months off. I simply explained that it did not make sense from an efficiency standpoint for the practice to pay me a daily rate wherein I am taking a break for an extra two hours. The practice agreed that giving me the extra time off will keep production high at work, and at the same time, give me the amount of time I want to breastfeed for my new baby. When I return, I will be done with breastfeeding and can work regular hours. I am therefore more useful to the practice.
• Are there any extra benefits you are willing to offer when I return from maternity leave? When I returned to work the first time around, I negotiated a higher daily rate as well as flexible work hours from one of my offices. I quit the office that refused to raise my daily rate. I think that being a working parent (moms and dads) is very difficult to do. And if your work expects you to deliver the same results, I expect to have higher compensation for working essentially two jobs. Plus, in order to be at work, I need to pay for childcare. So I need additional income to support the new lifestyle. Women need to believe that they are an ASSET to their workplace. If your boss or job doesn’t value you enough to give you that raise, you need to value yourself enough. You need to work at a place where you are VALUED.
• Will there be a private pumping room available if I have to return to the office? Can I get a pumping break every two hours? As I mentioned above, I negotiated more time off and will not need a pumping room this time around. However, some moms do not see patients and want to breastfeed longer. For my first baby, one office gave me a private pumping space with breaks every two hours. The other office did not. The result of not having a private break room or pumping breaks was that I stopped breastfeeding earlier than I wanted to. It created a lot of frustration, stress and resentment on my part. I ended up leaving the latter practice for not having extra benefits after mat leave. I warn mamas who want to breastfeed after returning to work that they need to negotiate these two things. You do not want to pump at a public restroom. Either negotiate some time working from home, or have a private space at the office.
• What are the options for a flexible work schedule? Can I offset my hours? Can I work from home or have a hybrid schedule? Will you reduce my travel days? Let me start with the caveat that it is not our sole responsibility to have flexible work hours. Our partners, too, need to ask this of our boss. I ended up cutting a day from work after becoming a mom. But my husband also works from home two days a week under a hybrid schedule. We both made changes. If you travel a lot for work, you can request sending someone else on your behalf or to travel less. Another option is to ask if they can add travel accommodations for your baby and your needs. And I don’t mean shipping the milk back home. I mean bringing the baby and caregiver with you.

At Home

I really think that setting yourself up for success requires conversation with the people you choose to surround yourself with. You are only as good as the five people you spend the most time with. It is important those people are on the same page. I wrote a post once about Questions Expecting Working Moms Should Be Asking Their Significant Other. I think it still stands and is a wonderful starting point for conversations working mothers need to have at home. And I mentioned earlier my post on being the CEO of Family Matters is perfect for the business savvy. If you have already read both of those posts, you might find the next few conversation topics useful.

• What are your family’s expectations of you as a working mom? Sometimes, the problem lies in the disconnect. If your husband or parents believe that you should be the main caregiver, then you will never have the support you need to be a great career woman. I prefer to reiterate that true equality means I am NOT the main caregiver. My children will have alloparents who are equal caregivers as me. It’s impressive how social upbringing still heavily influence people’s actions at a subconscious level. So talking about this point is key!
• How can we quantify role equality? The worst part about discussing role equality is not having examples of inequality. At the same time, you don’t want to keep a tally, as that is unhealthy too. One of the ways in which I can have the conversation with my husband about role equality in a factual manner is to keep a calendar. On my Google Calendar, I just write down what I do every single day. And when it starts to feel imbalanced (that I am taking on more housework than my partner, or that my career is suffering because of my caregiving tasks), I revisit my calendar first – and alone. I analyze where I could have delegated or avoided the task altogether. How much of this is on me? Then if it wasn’t simply me taking on more responsibility, then I talk to him about how I am drowning. And I start asking him to help with certain future tasks. Analyzing the past and creating a solution for the future is better than just saying, “You suck!”
• What are our career goals? Explicitly stating career goals makes someone more likely to support you at home. Say something like, “I expect to make $X 6 months from now. In order to do this, I need to do XYZ at work.” This will motivate your family to help you at home, because ultimately, the financial goal will benefit everyone. Of course, everyone has career goals. So the best thing to do will be to trade off hitting your goals. For example, if I want to hit that goal in 6 months, my husband will support me for 6 months at home in order to hit it. If I don’t hit it, then it would be fair to say that the next 6 months can be focused on him hitting whatever goal HE has. No one parent deserves to hog all the career-advancement opportunity. And by placing timelines, both parents will surprise themselves at how fast their career actually advances. You have double the motivation!
• Who can act as an alloparent to our children when we are both busy with our careers? Every parent’s main concern for their child is love and attention. Sometimes, both parents are doing well at work and sacrifices are slim-pickings. Who would act as alloparents? For us, finding loved ones who really care for Casey was top priority. Once we established that, everything else fell into place.

I am staring at my Marcus HYSA account. If we wanted to, we could pay off my student debt when it resumes next month, and be done with it. However, a new student loan repayment plan recently replaced the REPAYE program. Known as the SAVE Repayment program, this new and improved loan forgiveness program presents a reason not to pay back my student debt. It is an AMAZING program. Because of it, we are choosing to hold onto the student debt. Here is why!

What to Know about the SAVE Repayment program

• The SAVE Plan significantly decreases monthly payments by increasing the income exemption from 150% to 225% of the poverty line. Income exemption means that if you earn less than 225% of the Poverty Line as determined by this chart, then you do not owe anything for your debt. To calculate this, determine the number of family members in your household. Match it with the poverty income level using the chart. Multiply the income level by 2.25. If you make less than that number then you don’t have to make payments.
• 100% of remaining interest is eliminated after a scheduled payment is made. This is the most important reason why we aren’t paying it off. As long as you make the minimum monthly payment, the interest will not be added to your loan total. This works in the favor of those with massive student debt. Let’s assume you earn $100k per year and your total student debt is $400k. Then you’re monthly payment is around $834. Meanwhile, your interest is $2,267! That means your monthly payment doesn’t cover the interest of the loan. Under the new program, the interest is eliminated! That’s a huge difference! Before SAVE, the loan continues to grow if only minimum monthly payments were made. In fact, when we calculated it back in 2017, my loan would have ended up at $1, 400k after the loan repayment program. With SAVE, my loan will remain at $405k unless I miss my payments!
• The SAVE Plan excludes spousal income for borrowers who are married and file separately. This is another great change. Especially for whose spouse earns a decent income. Before, the monthly payments were determined using both the borrower and the spouse’s income. Since SAVE only uses the borrower’s income, that minimum monthly payment is decreased! Meaning you need to put in less money in order to keep the loan amount the same.

More changes are promised to take effect July 2024.

I changed my mind again.

In this post, I wrote about how we changed our minds. We chose to take a majority of our savings and put it into a single-family residence for our growing family. I am a homebody who needs a homebase. Currently, there are no plans to pay off the student debt. We will prioritize other assets as we did during the pandemic forbearance. If the repayment program changes once again to something that would cause my debt to grow, I may reconsider. For now, I changed my mind.

I am pivoting based on the information I have. I am not giving up on building wealth. At the same time, it would be foolish to stick to my original payoff plan for the sake of identity. I was The Debtist. I was afraid of money. My debt defined me. But it is safe to say that I’ve found a way to walk away from that past. No longer will I let debt define me. I am letting go, and finding a way through.

I wanted to pay off my debt because I psychologically needed to. But I reached financial independence when I walked away from a job I hated, facing uncertainty during the pandemic. It was the best decision I have ever made. I chose myself and my values over money. By giving myself the space to grow, I changed the way I viewed myself and money. I am not just me, and money is just money.

It’s nice to learn that I can choose over and over again.

I am staring at a pile of clothes Casey has outgrown. There’s a pang in my heart when I realize he was once so small. He entered our lives only four months ago, but it seems longer. At the same time, how could he grow so fast? Luckily, we acquired all of Casey’s belongings as gifts. A handful were new, but most were hand-me-downs from moms in the area. As I await to pass along Casey’s stuff to the next wave of expecting mothers, a wave of thoughts come to me. Companies produce so many newborn clothes and so many mommas buy them for their little ones. But Casey outgrew his in weeks. (Caveat: Our son is on the taller side and is pulling off 9 month clothing before his 4th month-day.) Regardless, how many newborn clothes does a minimalist momma really need?

I believe ten clothes demarcated with NB is aplenty. We were doing laundry frequently enough that seven might have been enough. A few things to note: we did baby laundry with our own laundry (saves water!). And we hardly experienced blowouts with our re-usable Esembly cloth diapers. I heard that disposable diapers runs the risk of more frequent blowouts. And if you wish to launder baby clothes separately, then you’ve got an argument for more. Still, you don’t need much.

I write this post for a few reasons. If you are a family living in a tiny space, count your lucky stars that 10 onesies will get you by. Alternatively, if you are hoping to stay frugal, then ten newborn clothes is easy to gather for free. If you wish to buy the fanciest attire, you’ll save money in your pocket knowing you only need a couple handfuls. Ultimately, know that whatever path you choose (ten or fifty), you will eventually be where I am at. With a bit of guilt, knowing that he didn’t wear any of them nearly enough while realizing that your child is growing up too fast for you to notice until you’ve got a box of clothes at your feet, ready to depart for someone else’s.

If you want to see what we considered for our baby registry, check out the post below.

Photo by Taisiia Shestopal on Unsplash

I sat down during a miraculous bit of down-time to do my weekly planning. Immediately, I felt a wave of laughter bubble up from the abysmal depths of this tired momma. At the beginning of each week I set aside time to write down my to-dos. At the end of each week, I cross off half of them and pray that I have the wherewithal to address the remaining half NEXT WEEK. It drives me bonkers. There is no schedule around an infant. I always think I have enough time to do something, and then realize that that version of me is long-gone. But the part of me that remains is still fighting to stay alive.

This time of my life has been an interesting combination of what was and what I hope to be. I feel like a floating ghost, in limbo between two alternate universes. Nothing is grounding. Nothing is simple. And certainly, nothing is controlled. It’s like riding waves. At some point, one needs to go limp to avoid being drowned by the tide. “Go with it,” I tell myself. “Stop struggling.” Easier said than done.

So here I am, spending what precious me-time I have, writing down next week’s hopes and dreams. Trying to create a schedule for myself. My goals have dwindled from spewing five blog posts a week to finding time to drink water. My husband tells me I should just take this time to rest. But I can’t rest when I feel unrest. Peace for me is balance and structure, boundaries and predictability. I continue to fight for my space, lest I lose my sanity.

Anyone else?

At least I’ve learned some things. That the house doesn’t burn down if things don’t get checked off. That there is always tomorrow. Others, I have re-learned. Like how sleep reigns supreme. And exercise fixes things. I don’t know how I am staying afloat. My parents, for one. A job I love. My sweet husband. Otherwise, I couldn’t keep on.

Speaking of scheduling, I find that the best method is to simply write a laundry list. Check it off as I please. Forget calendars. There isn’t time to look at those. Perhaps a cursory prioritization each morning also helps. There is only so much time in the day. I’ve missed a few crucial tasks. It’s okay. Life goes on. Be forgiving new mamas. You are doing good , I remind myself.

It wasn’t in the plan for us to move in with my parents. But what I realized these last few weeks of living with mom and dad is that independence is over-valued in this country. Individualism is lacking the benefits community has to offer. And living with grandparents is soooooo underrated. Despite having help from both my parents and Mike’s dad, we are still barely making it happen. I cannot imagine what it would be like going at this alone. Cohabiting with my parents is giving everyone involved (us, our parents and Casey) a healthy, happy, and fruitful lifestyle. And while it won’t last long, I am grateful we all had the opportunity to experience Casey’s first few months together.

We planned to set family boundaries.

Before Casey was born, we talked about not burdening our parents with childcare. But during our leave, we decided to buy a new-build home and sell our current townhome. We were blessed to get multiple offers after the first weekend, something we were NOT expecting. This put our living situation in limbo. Our new home wasn’t going to be finished until two months after the closing date of our townhome. My parents immediately opened their doors to us. From the bottom of my heart, it was the best gift providence gave.

As new parents, we talked endlessly about setting boundaries. We planned to have visitation hours in order to protect our family unit. I was carrying around the traumas from childhood that every child experiences. I didn’t want to translate those traumas to the next generation. I wanted us to start our family on a new (and better) foundation. We planned to build walls but I am so glad I was forced to break them down.

It has been an eye-opening experience to realize that they respect our wishes for raising Casey. This was an opportunity for me to heal from the scars of the trauma I received in my childhood. In essence, I realized that they were doing their best, and that this sh*t is HARD WORK. I will be the first to say that I was wrong. Now, I am so happy that we bought a home close to my parents. A five minute walk is all it takes to be at each-other’s front door.

It Takes A Village to Raise a Child

Nothing prepares you for the amount of work it takes to raise a child. Despite the warnings, books and advice, the experience cannot be summed up in words. I distinctly remember asking everyone during the first few weeks of motherhood how they managed to raise children. I was shocked by their answers:

• Mike’s parents both went back to work, so his grandma was the one to raise Mike and his sister. At the time, his mom was living with her parents.
• Mike’s aunt had her mother AND mother-in-law move in with her during the first month after giving birth.
• My mom had two brothers living with her and the help of a nanny. My mom’s sister was at the hospital with her when I was born.
• My friend Alex was living with her parents for 3 months, and then hired a full time nanny when she went back to work.

I compare these stories to our friends who have no family close by. In these instances, one parent went back to work while the other one stayed at home.

Living with my parents has been great for everybody. We take turns cooking dinner for the group, washing dishes, and cleaning the house. Four hands is better than two, and someone is available to give their full attention to Casey at all times. We share grocery lists so that one couple can shop at Albertsons while the other makes a Costco run. This saves us time and energy. Mom and dad manage the electricity bills, and I manage the cleaner. Plus it’s cute to see both grandfathers tag-teaming diaper changes.

Because of my parents, Mike and I can work. We have time to exercise and go out on dates (just us two!). Don’t get me wrong, it is still no walk in the park. I no longer write or read as much as I want to. I’ve given up walking dogs and baking bread. We are still tired at night. Yet we get to keep parts of ourselves that we could never have time for without help. Meanwhile, Casey is growing up with grandparents in his life, which means more people he can turn to and rely on.

All of this to say, we are not meant to raise children alone. We are not meant to fill eight different roles at the same time, all the time, every day, for years. I hope we as a society move towards community. I hope young people embrace connectivity and welcome people into their home. Accepting this idea of sharing really makes for a much easier life.