A few weeks ago, I was asked by a mom friend what I would do differently my second time around. As baby number two’s arrival draws near, I am forced to reconsider what we’ve achieved in parenthood thus far. This question goes deeper than choosing baby products. (Although certainly, I’ve considered that well and good in my list of newborn essentials, revisited.) I think about how we’ve structured our lives, the help we’ve brought on, and the world we’ve created for Casey. There are things that I am proud of. There are also things I question. The nice thing about a second time around is the gift of hindsight. Here is what I would do differently the second time around.
The Second Time Around
Resist consumerism better.
I remember the first few weeks after Casey’s birth, we were ordering stuff from Target and Amazon on the daily. The breastfeeding consultant was telling me to buy additional parts for my pump. The pediatric doctor told us to change the bottle. Instagram told me I needed a certain nursing bra. And the list goes on and on. (In case you were wondering, these are the essentials for nursing moms.)
It took up a lot of our energy and time. Instead of enjoying my time post-partum at home, we were googling quick-fix solutions to problems that didn’t really exist. This kept going until my anxiety wore off when Casey was around 9 months old. For the second go-around, I would like to resist consumerism better. The reality is that there are no quick-fixes. Less is more. And the stages go by so fast so just wait out the tough parts and enjoy the precious moment.
Work Less.
I only worked part-time during Casey’s first year (4 days a week). But now that time has passed, I see it is too much. I promise to work only 2.5 days a week this go-around. I only arrived at this conclusion after digging deep. Here are some difficult questions working moms need to ask themselves and others.
When I am home, I want to be more present as well. I used to set him down in his swing or bassinet to work on my laptop. I missed some of his little yawns, his curious gaze – my body was home but I was elsewhere. We only get five years before they are in school. Work will be there.
Ask for more help.
At first, we wanted to do most of Casey-raising on our terms. So I hardly asked for help, because I didn’t want to navigate other people’s parenting styles. But there were times where the help really taught me something new. And I was better able to manage our family’s needs when I let go of control. So this time around, I will ask for more help. A place to start would be with your partner. Here are a few questions to ask your significant other. And if you are considering a nanny or hired help, here are a list of questions to consider for a great interview.
Less Activities, More Down Time
As a first-time mom, it is hard not to overdo it on the activities. I wanted him to get the most out of experiences. So we traveled to Northern California (thrice!), Japan, Arizona, Idaho…we even went RV camping after a 6 hour drive. Casey wasn’t too happy about that. He also attended gym classes three times a week and is doing swim classes once a week. We even did music class! I signed up for every free activity available in my area. Between the adventures and the plethora of gifted toys, it’s easy to see that we over-stimulated our child. I’d like to think we balanced well with cuddles at home. But really trips to the park, coffee shops and restaurants out-numbered the times of rest. This time around it’ll be winter. I hope the season reflects a change in our time off.
Put Down the Phone
I really mean it when I say I want to do less screen time. For my first, I had my phone with me at all times. A pro was that we had plenty of photos and pictures of our baby. A con was that I was always on my phone. Social media left me anxious. Google had me researching stupid stuff. I kept watching my baby grow through a lens. While I love having memories, I also felt a bit removed from the moment. This time around, I want to be present. I’ve been eyeing Courant’s phone dock for years and am considering placing one in the living room.
Loosen Up on the Schedule
We were so strict with the schedule. Nap times and wake windows were well monitored. We woke ourselves up every 2 hours in the middle of the night to do feedings. Maybe this time, we will extend the evening hours to 3-4 hours. Or perhaps let her tell us when she’s hungry. In terms of naps, we will let her dictate when she is ready for sleep. We scheduled all our social events around Casey’s schedule. It made our lives easier in one respect, but restricted us in other ways as well. I literally had a log of every time he ate, peed, pooped, and slept, like a mad scientist obsessed with data. I will try not to be so crazy this time.
Hold them close.
We followed all the recommendations for safe sleeping. Casey always slept in his own space, even for afternoon naps. At four months old, we transitioned him to his own room and sleep-trained. He hardly slept in our bed. During the day, we set him down in a baby swing so we could do chores. Or let him sleep in a stroller while we went out. But now that he’s an independent toddler, I wish I held him more. The few times I fell asleep with him napping next to me in the bed were sweet but few. This go around, I will take more afternoon naps in the same bed. I will carry her more while she is small. Hold them close. Time fleets on by.
To all the parents out there, what are some thing you wish you would have done differently?
