There seems to be this taboo in the United States about having roommates after you are married. The general concensus is that once you are married, you two should symbolize your ability to provide for yourselves by living in your own home. When you continue to live with your parents or family, people almost look down on you and judge you, saying things like, “They aren’t capable of living on their own. Why did they get married then?” Couples who live with family members or friends are almost embarrassed to reveal this to others. People who are serious about each other or who are married feel this pressure to hunker down and find their own home. An even greater pressure exists for people to BUY their own home right after they get married, because that’s the next thing to do before having kids, right?
This is not common in other parts of the world. Couples live with families to create communities that act as support for their growing families. Some would argue that most families do this out of need, maybe in third world countries, because they do not have the resources to care for themselves. But this isn’t true. In Denmark, which is known as the happiest country on Earth, there are co-housing communities where there are 20 or so homes in the same area for non-related families. These housing communities were featured on the documentary “Happy”. They work together to cook, and clean, and care for the children. Each family member has a day of the month where they have to cook for everyone, say 40 people in the case of the documentary below. Even though it takes 3-4 hours to cook that one day, the rest of the month, they don’t have to worry about coming home to cook. We deal with stresses all the time about buying groceries, figuring out what to make, cooking every day, doing the dishes every day, etc. Imagine doing that only once a month, and then the rest of the month, you come home, shower, and you have 3-4 hours to relax and be with your kids. There is also a sense of community and support that your family receives. The kids have friends at home that they can grow with, and they have plenty of adults who they know will care for them. This is one of the things that sets Denmark apart, but it is being embraced more and more by other countries such as Canada. What people have started to realize is that the community is really enriching and plays a huge role in one’s happiness. Compare that to the United States, where most families with young children experience a lot of stress and feelings of isolation, countries with communal living tend to report higher satisfaction with life among their citizens.
Mike has spent his whole life with roommates, and for the most part, so have I. Rather than “live together” the way most couples do, we spent my last two years of dental school “living together” in a house with 2 of his college friends, and we both had separate rooms. We enjoyed this version of communal living. Each of the four roommates had their own bedroom and we came out and hung out with each other in the common living areas. I lived at home throughout my whole undergrad and I was used to always having people over, eating dinner together as a group, and sharing chores. When I started dental school, I lived by myself for the first year, but I was honestly hardly ever home. Talk about your biggest financial mistake. My second year I lived with one roommate and I realized that I thoroughly enjoyed living with other people. When I lived with Mike and the boys, I realized even more that there was a lot of value with communal living. Whenever I was stressed, there was always some way to relieve it, whether it be hanging out with our friends or talking with them and asking them for advice.
When we decided to get married, we did what any other couple would do, which was find our dream home and move into it, just he and I. We’ve loved every minute of it, but there is just too much space for the two of us. There has been a lot of talk about potentially moving the last few weeks. We have been considering downsizing, looking for smaller apartments to rent in order to save money but also simply for the sake of downsizing. And then I did what I usually do and started re-assessing.
Two of our closest friends just got married last month to each other. They have been renting a house with a third roommate for the past year or so. When asked if they were going to move into their own space, my friend said, “Why would I do that?! My dream is to buy a house and have all my friends live in it in the separate rooms and help me with the mortgage.” Absolute genius, I tell you. They liked living with their friend, and it was a smart financial move to keep living with each other. The three of them wouldn’t have to hassle with finding a new place and physically moving all of their stuff. Nothing changed after they got married, and why did people make it feel like it had to? And just like that the stars aligned.
The day after Mike and I decided not to commit to a potential rental and to continue living at our loft, we learned that my brother’s recently graduated girlfriend found a job in Irvine and is looking for studios in Fullerton or Orange. She was looking at rentals at the price of $1300. We offered her the entire first floor of our three story loft, with her own bedroom and full bathroom for half the price. We are very excited to say that we now have a new roommate joining us around me and Mike’s one year anniversary. We cannot be more excited to welcome someone else into our home! Frankly, I’ve been missing my roommates dearly. I’ve spent hours and hours trying to find a cheaper rental without sacrificing the coolness of our space. And I highly enjoy spending time with our new found roommate. This couldn’t have been a better opportunity. She will have a significantly decreased rent, without the need to buy the usual household items new-grads have to buy when they start living on their own. Mike and I save on rent and can put the extra money towards my student loans. And we will all have additional company and people to hang out with and help around the house. Rather than moving to a new place, we took a step back and moved towards the right direction.
Yet another way we are challenging social norms with the intent of getting closer to living the life that’s right for us. And hey, who knows! Maybe over time, the United States could start to embrace the co-housing community concept too.
This post is dedicated to our friend Chad, who made us see an alternative to the housing strategy. Thank you.