We welcomed our newborn baby girl mid-November. In an effort to be intentional about the holidays, I decided on a few priorities. Namely, quality time with family and holiday magic. I yearned for a simple holiday season. Manifesting the feeling of peace and calm, I decided that this is not the year to do it all. Instead of grand gestures, we are finding Christmas magic in the little, mundane, everyday events. The frugal kind. A walk around the neighborhood lights. Sunsets in the park. Outdoor bike rides in the cold. Hot chocolate with sprinkles and mallows. A pile of library books laid strewn across the floor. Et cetera. In an effort ignore the never-ending message that grandeur is what Christmas is about, I wrote a holiday to-NOT-do-list. It helps me stay focused on what does matter. I’ll share in case you are looking for a reminder.

My Holiday To-NOT-Do List

• Holiday cards. The people who we want to update are, well, updated. By the time I get around to them, it’ll be a week’s worth of pleasure. May I suggest a digital text of the freebie kind?
• Shopping in Person. The amount of time it takes to drive to stores, the long lines, and the stressful environment. All of my shopping was done early and online.
• BIG gifts. My love-language is gift-giving, both in receiving and giving. I have a penchant for going overboard. But not this year. Simple boxes of chocolate, home-made holiday cookies, and a much shorter list. We are sticking strictly to immediate family members. My kids are only getting stocking stuffers and one gift from Santa. We did this last year where we gave no gifts from us, and I think it’s a tradition we will continue.
• Extravagant Dinners. I love hosting. I used to host three Thanksgiving dinners in November. This year I did none. For Christmas, we are not hosting friends. And my mom will handle my side of the family. We will have a brunch for Mike’s side of the family. But it entails Cinnabon rolls brought by his dad and an egg quiche from his sister. Our responsibility includes Trader Joe’s hashbrowns, bacon, and chicken sausage patties. Throw in a few English muffins and that’s kinda it. Pizza for dinner (no joke!). Paper plates for all the meals.
• Holiday Events. We aren’t lining up for train rides. I let my parents take Casey to Santa’s Village. There is no picture with Santa. And we skipped the one local market we were going to attend. In lieu are cozy afternoons at home and mornings at the park. We had a lot of time getting accustomed to our new family of four.
• Long work days. We are both on leave during the holiday season. It is such a special time. There is no work or deadline. Usually my job as a dentist is busiest in December because of insurances expiring. I actually get to relax this year!
• Parties. It helps that we are both on leave. There will be no work holiday party. No Friendsmas.
• Vacations. I originally had wanted to go a weekend trip to Solvang with family. But we decided to nix the travel. Logistics are far too many. And the days away are too few. I had to accept this is the season of my life right now. And once I did, it just felt right to be home.
• Excessive holiday decor. We had string lights put up on our eaves on November first. We have an artificial tree in the corner of the living room. And a sock for each person in the house. But other than what we already owned from previous years, we did nothing else. If I had the time, I would plan for more lights. If we had the money, we would nab a few inflatables. If the house had the space, there would be more trees. But there isn’t all of that. Or at least, I don’t wish to give up the peace in order to have it.
• White Elephants and Secret Santas. Need I say more?

And then there’s the pared back:

• Holiday centric kid activities. Besides baking together as a family, there isn’t really much else. Christmas lights on our after-dinner walks yes. All the other events, nah.
• Holiday movies. We still have yet to watch one. But my goal is… ONE.
• Home-made goods. It’s a competition of sorts amongst moms, isn’t it? How home-made something is seems to say how much better it is. But this year, I am going with store-bought.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

In preparation for baby girl’s arrival, I had the wherewithal to prep lactation cookies. I had eaten lactation cookies during post-partum with Casey and I felt like they made a difference. At the very least, they provided me comfort and a reliable daily snack and dessert. What else could a new mama want? This time around, I made the recipe without baking the cookies. I pre-froze a batch and every morning, put two lactation cookies in my Balmuda toaster oven. They bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes while I do my morning routine or eat breakfast with my new family of four. I love that I don’t have to preheat an entire oven in order to make these. My foresight guarantees a delectable treat every day!

The recipe I used was shared with me by a fellow mum. This lactation cookie recipe takes ten minutes to make. Skipping the first step, I completed steps 2 and 3. Thanks to my beloved KitchenAid mixer, mixing took zero elbow grease. This was doable even for a mama in third trimester with toddler in tow. After step 3, I scooped the dough rounds onto a baking sheet. I covered the cookie dough balls with ClingWrap and stuck them in a freezer. Once they’ve stiffened up, I threw the cookie dough balls in a freezer safe Ziplock bag. On it, I wrote in Sharpie the instructions for baking: 350 degrees for 15 minutes. I knew that my husband may need to assist in baking these post-C-section, so I was quite prepared!

One caveat is that two ingredients that are crucial to the cookie but rarely found in the pantry. Brewer’s Yeast and flaxseeds weren’t necessarily on hand, but easy to get. I guess this fact could disqualify the recipe from being considered a minimalist one. Regardless, I consider it a must-have for breastfeeding moms. It goes down as an intentional life-choice in my book.

How about you? Would you make these?

*This post contain affiliate links. The Balmuda toaster oven was gifted to me. It is one of my favorite kitchen products, as is the Kitchen Aid Mixer. I wrote a review about Balmuda here in this post. We use our toaster oven daily. It is small but mighty. Our bread comes out artisanal every time. It even makes mini dishes or bakes tiny desserts. I can avoid pre-heating an oven and wasting electricity thanks to Balmuda’s toaster oven. As always, all opinions are my own.

I am just revisiting the benefits of Buy Nothing groups for baby stuff, in case others need a reminder that:

• there is nothing wrong with hand-me-downs
• saving money affords opportunity and space for your family
• tapping into community begets love
• owning less is more important than you think (in motherhood)

I first wrote about Buy Nothing even before the months leading up to Casey’s birth. Now that we are expecting number two, I think the topic of acquiring free baby stuff is worth a revisit. I would like to champion the notion that it isn’t entirely on our shoulders to provide. That alone is a hefty weight off of already-stressed parents. Your community is a great resource. Reaching out to neighbors and friends and asking to borrow (with or without promise of return) is a super-power. I have greatly enjoyed working part-time as a result of our frugality.

And for those who feel guilty, don’t. Every parent knows how quick parenthood goes. In the span of months, things that were necessary become useless. Many parents are struggling to manage their households and welcome a decluttering of sorts. I have used minimalism as a means to initiate calm in motherhood myself.

I have also met a lot of mothers in the neighborhood by using a Buy Nothing group. All of them have been so kind and helpful. And it gives back ten-fold when it is my turn to let go of things. Personally, it makes me feel at peace knowing that I can pass on my baby’s things to another mama.

So what of the hand-me-downs? In perfectly good condition. At least, in the sense that they serve their purpose and do the job. I never worry about messing up hand-me-downs, because it didn’t cost me money or energy. This gives me freedom to allow Casey to be as reckless as he needs to be. We have more time to focus on parenthood when we aren’t focused on consuming products. There are endless baby products out there, but being given something gets rid of decision fatigue too. To me, the benefits really outweigh the new-ness.

Let me know how you’ve accessed your community lately in order to live a simpler life.

As the arrival of baby number two draws near, I am revisiting what is essential for newborn babies. By way of stuff, I would describe our style of parenthood as mostly minimalist. And yet, we’ve had our battles with the constant consumerist pitch. How can you not? There is a new iteration of nearly all baby products we’ve purchased less than a year and a half ago. We’ve decided to make do with what we have instead of upgrading. Sure, for a few baby essentials we’ve decided to double down. But for the most part, we will be taking Casey’s things and reusing. And he will have to practice at a young age how to make do without. As for the rest, I will be decluttering to make space. Here are a few baby essentials that in my opinion are necessary to have.

A Note to First Time Moms:

You don’t need much to make a happy home. Just the bare necessities and a community of people who loves your child. They don’t even necessarily have to be related to you by blood. I have never felt like I failed my kid by providing less material goods. My son has grown up to be a joyful and happy boy. Running in the grass and finding birds in the sky is his favorite past-time. Sure, a soccer ball or a pack of bubbles makes it more joyous. But I can say with certainty that it isn’t a requirement of his. All of this to assure you that choosing to provide less doesn’t necessarily make your child’s life less adequate. If anything, it creates space for more creativity, contentment, quality time, and gratitude. I know I have my biases, but at the end of the day this is what works for us. And every mom should be empowered to do what works for their family. Without further ado, my baby essentials, revisited.

Baby Essentials, Revisited

+ Diapers: We used cloth diapers exclusively for the first six months of Casey’s life before he started on solids. It was fairly easy to do with a washer and dryer at home. More importantly, it saved us money and it reduced environmental waste. And now that we have a second on the way, it pays back in two-fold. Our cloth diapers come from Esembly, and the size 1’s lasted six months. If you want to continue using cloth diapers after starting solids, they sell size 2’s. These worked for my mom friend until her baby was over 1 year old. You can read about my experience with cloth diapering here and decide if it’s truly right for you.

+ Wipes: We’ve always used disposable wipes for Casey, out of convenience. Since we traveled often, the disposable wipes served better. I have always chosen Burt’s Bees wipes. To cut costs and waste, we cut the wipes in half when he was a newborn. We stored the cut wipes in this Ubbi Wipes Holder so they didn’t dry out.

+ Car seat: I think car seats and strollers go without saying. We have tried multiple car seats (4 en total). For the newborn phase, we loved the Nuna Pipa RX. It clicked in and out of a base and we could leave baby asleep in the car seat when needed. Eventually, though, they have to transition out of that. Our son grew out of it quickly. The car seat we liked the best is the Nuna REVV Rotating Convertible Carseat. If you want to go the minimalist route, skip Pipa RX and go with the REVV. It comes with an infant insert for the newborn babies. Just be ready to transition baby into a crib if they fall asleep during a car ride.

+ Stroller: We have the Uppababy Cruz V2 stroller and we are sticking with it for the second one. It doesn’t convert to a double stroller, but I don’t think we need one even with a 19 month age gap. We actually did consider buying a double stroller but I find them heavy and bulky. We’ve compromised by choosing the Piggy Back Stroller Board attachment. Casey is now able to walk, but at least we have an option for when he gets tired. We also own the Doona Liki Trike, which I highly recommend for toddlers. It is light-weight, travel-friendly, and much cheaper than a new stroller.

+ Swaddles: You don’t need much for swaddling. The muslin types worked alright but for us the velcro swaddles were better. One or two of the velcro swaddles was more than enough. Laundry runs aplenty during those early months, and you aren’t changing the swaddles every night.

+ Feeding Supplies: I thought I would breastfeed entirely for at least 6 months. But Casey had other plans. We ended up doing half formula, half breastmilk for 3 months, and then switching to 100% formula after that. That being said, I don’t know what I would have done without my Baby Brezza Formula Dispenser. Mike and I say it’s the best gift we received from the baby shower. It was a godsend during those late night feedings. For bottles we stuck with Dr. Brown’s bottles. My favorite bottle brush was Booni’s Cactus Brush Set and we used Oxo Tot’s Drying Rack.

+ Clothes: I have yet to buy clothes for Casey, and I plan to do the same for my second. We are fortunate enough to have a great Buy Nothing group. A majority of our baby items were supplied through there, clothes non-exempt. I wrote about utilizing your local Buy Nothing group to save money here. FACT: Newborns don’t need shoes (in California). And you can avoid socks and mittens if you stick to footie pajamas with hand covers. You can make do with one jacket. We mostly kept Casey in the stroller or car seat with a blanket over him when we went out.

+ A snot sucker: Hear me out. This is one of the baby items that you won’t know you need until you do. Our son got the cold a few times during the winter months, and this snot sucker alleviated him so well! He was able to sleep better after using it. I found it way more useful than a diaper balm (which we barely used). Unfortunately, there was no other good way to relieve a plugged up nose.

Nice to Have

+ Sound Machine: We went out a lot with Casey. The sound machine helped him stay asleep while we stayed social. To this day, he uses a sound machine. It is one of the few baby items we doubled up on for baby number two.

+ Diaper Bag: For our family, a diaper bag is necessary. We have used this diaper bag almost every day of Casey’s life. We like to go on family adventures, out to the park or to coffee shops and restaurants. At almost 18 months old, we take it to his gym and swim classes, to stores and play dates. Of course you can always make do without by substituting a tote bag. Especially if you love to spend quality time at home with your newborn.

+ Bottle Washer, Sterilizer and Dryer: This second go-around, we were generously gifted the Baby Brezza Bottle Washer, Sterilizer and Dryer. I have already run it a few times to sterilize Casey’s bottles for baby number two. It works so well and saves a TON of time. I wouldn’t necessarily call it essential, but it’s nice to have.

And that’s about it for the newborn stage. When Casey was born, we lived in a small space. We didn’t even have a crib until we moved out of that home. We were gifted the Baby Bassinet of my dreams. I will be using the same bassinet for the next one. But to be honest, you don’t really need one. Many parents co-sleep or put them in the crib straight away.

I like to compare to what I thought I needed before becoming a mom. You can check out my minimalist curated registry for my first born here. Obviously today’s newborn essentials list is more pared down. That’s because the baby registry was with our son’s first year in mind. And to be honest, there are a few items on my original list that I didn’t actually need. Here are the items on the original registry that we rarely used:

• Chicco Alfa Lite Travel Play Yard – we mostly used a crib in hotels when we traveled.
• Baby Bjorn Mini Carrier – I preferred pushing the stroller. I had an emergency C-section and couldn’t carry a baby in front of me.
• Hatch Rest 2nd Gen – we didn’t even open it. We returned it and made do with a travel sound machine.
• Humidifier – He was born in April and we felt it unnecessary to run the humidifier.
• Lalo Play Gym – Casey hated tummy time. However, now that we’ve converted the Play Gym to a Play Tent, he loves it as a toddler. So I guess we played the long-game with that one.
• Baby Camera. We bring it when we travel, but hardly use the camera.
• Nanobebe bottles – Casey preferred the Dr. Brown’s bottles. Such a bummer because these were way easier to clean and so pretty.
• Frida’s Baby Soft Sink Bather – While it was convenient to use for Casey, the Lalo tub is enough. It functions from newborn to toddlerhood. And the soft sink bather eventually started to have a smell.
• Frida 3-in-1 thermometer – We have yet to use once!

Did you have empowering conversations as a working mother before maternity leave? I recently finished the book “Heading Home” by Shani Orgad. It re-affirmed that despite “feminist progress”, a neofeminism has emerged wherein a lack of social change led to a failed promise of equality for working mothers. The book interviews 40 highly-educated women (lawyers, doctors, CEOs, and the like) who exchanged their careers to be SAHMs. The overall consensus from these women was that they felt the need to stop work due to lack of support from both the workplace and at home.

While some tried the balancing act of career woman and motherhood, they ultimately decided it was impossible to be successful at both. The women all had plans to return to their professions eventually, but found it difficult to do after a few years out of the industry. It was a bleak collection of stories, one that highlights the women’s confusion as to how they ended up where they are.

A Few Takeaways from Heading Home

At the end of the book, I had a few key takeaways that I wanted to bring up. First, the stories seemed to have a disconnect between expectation and reality. These women expected equal division in the household, but upon re-entering the work force as mothers they found that most of the housework was still on their shoulders. Even if they had a nanny or housecleaner, the mothers still acted like CEOs of their homes. I get that because I recently published a post about how I treat motherhood like a business. Yes, I am guilty of being the CEO of our family.

But the inequalities at home didn’t end with just running family matters. Most of the women interviewed had the responsibility of leaving work if the kids got sick. And the women were the ones who altered their working hours, negotiating flexible schedules or WFH situations. Many chose to go back part-time whereas their partners carried on per usual working the traditional M-F 9-5. I also relate as I cut my working hours when I had Casey and Mike has difficulty calling off work or requesting for more WFH days. Women often suffer in their careers by cutting their hours.

The Importance of Conversations

The truth is that these women failed to have the right conversations in their workplace and households. They had extremely high expectations of themselves as mothers that they admitted their partners didn’t have as fathers. But the discrepancy was never discussed. The social upbringing that women have today still champion the notion that women are the main caregivers of society. These women embraced that belief and assumed the role of SAHM because they felt they had to. But why did they never speak up? These are highly educated women! Some of them even made more than their husbands.

I think women still suffer from imposter syndrome. Many of them indicated that they felt like they could not keep up with work. Even though they did great before having kids! Heck, most of them thrived and LOVED their jobs. So what changed their perception? True equality requires that these women feel supported. If they aren’t supported at home, they won’t be fully functional at work. Likewise, if they weren’t supported at work, then they’ll feel failure as mothers. Instead of bearing the brunt of that responsibility on our shoulders, we need to have conversations with our spouses and our bosses about equal opportunity.

So I wanted to gather in this post a list of conversation topics that I think is very important to have with people at work and at home. I recommend expecting working mothers to have their conversations early, and earnestly. Before maternity leave is best, because when you are in the thick of it, managing these difficulties get even harder.

Conversations Working Mothers Need to Have Before Maternity Leave

At the Workplace

• What are my rights in regards to getting the maximum maternity leave so that I can make the transition to working motherhood? I learned this from my first go-around. I came back 2.5 months after my C-section to cover for a doctor but they had to give me a pumping break every two hours which disrupted my production at the dental office. This time around, I asked for a full four months off. I simply explained that it did not make sense from an efficiency standpoint for the practice to pay me a daily rate wherein I am taking a break for an extra two hours. The practice agreed that giving me the extra time off will keep production high at work, and at the same time, give me the amount of time I want to breastfeed for my new baby. When I return, I will be done with breastfeeding and can work regular hours. I am therefore more useful to the practice.
• Are there any extra benefits you are willing to offer when I return from maternity leave? When I returned to work the first time around, I negotiated a higher daily rate as well as flexible work hours from one of my offices. I quit the office that refused to raise my daily rate. I think that being a working parent (moms and dads) is very difficult to do. And if your work expects you to deliver the same results, I expect to have higher compensation for working essentially two jobs. Plus, in order to be at work, I need to pay for childcare. So I need additional income to support the new lifestyle. Women need to believe that they are an ASSET to their workplace. If your boss or job doesn’t value you enough to give you that raise, you need to value yourself enough. You need to work at a place where you are VALUED.
• Will there be a private pumping room available if I have to return to the office? Can I get a pumping break every two hours? As I mentioned above, I negotiated more time off and will not need a pumping room this time around. However, some moms do not see patients and want to breastfeed longer. For my first baby, one office gave me a private pumping space with breaks every two hours. The other office did not. The result of not having a private break room or pumping breaks was that I stopped breastfeeding earlier than I wanted to. It created a lot of frustration, stress and resentment on my part. I ended up leaving the latter practice for not having extra benefits after mat leave. I warn mamas who want to breastfeed after returning to work that they need to negotiate these two things. You do not want to pump at a public restroom. Either negotiate some time working from home, or have a private space at the office.
• What are the options for a flexible work schedule? Can I offset my hours? Can I work from home or have a hybrid schedule? Will you reduce my travel days? Let me start with the caveat that it is not our sole responsibility to have flexible work hours. Our partners, too, need to ask this of our boss. I ended up cutting a day from work after becoming a mom. But my husband also works from home two days a week under a hybrid schedule. We both made changes. If you travel a lot for work, you can request sending someone else on your behalf or to travel less. Another option is to ask if they can add travel accommodations for your baby and your needs. And I don’t mean shipping the milk back home. I mean bringing the baby and caregiver with you.

At Home

I really think that setting yourself up for success requires conversation with the people you choose to surround yourself with. You are only as good as the five people you spend the most time with. It is important those people are on the same page. I wrote a post once about Questions Expecting Working Moms Should Be Asking Their Significant Other. I think it still stands and is a wonderful starting point for conversations working mothers need to have at home. And I mentioned earlier my post on being the CEO of Family Matters is perfect for the business savvy. If you have already read both of those posts, you might find the next few conversation topics useful.

• What are your family’s expectations of you as a working mom? Sometimes, the problem lies in the disconnect. If your husband or parents believe that you should be the main caregiver, then you will never have the support you need to be a great career woman. I prefer to reiterate that true equality means I am NOT the main caregiver. My children will have alloparents who are equal caregivers as me. It’s impressive how social upbringing still heavily influence people’s actions at a subconscious level. So talking about this point is key!
• How can we quantify role equality? The worst part about discussing role equality is not having examples of inequality. At the same time, you don’t want to keep a tally, as that is unhealthy too. One of the ways in which I can have the conversation with my husband about role equality in a factual manner is to keep a calendar. On my Google Calendar, I just write down what I do every single day. And when it starts to feel imbalanced (that I am taking on more housework than my partner, or that my career is suffering because of my caregiving tasks), I revisit my calendar first – and alone. I analyze where I could have delegated or avoided the task altogether. How much of this is on me? Then if it wasn’t simply me taking on more responsibility, then I talk to him about how I am drowning. And I start asking him to help with certain future tasks. Analyzing the past and creating a solution for the future is better than just saying, “You suck!”
• What are our career goals? Explicitly stating career goals makes someone more likely to support you at home. Say something like, “I expect to make $X 6 months from now. In order to do this, I need to do XYZ at work.” This will motivate your family to help you at home, because ultimately, the financial goal will benefit everyone. Of course, everyone has career goals. So the best thing to do will be to trade off hitting your goals. For example, if I want to hit that goal in 6 months, my husband will support me for 6 months at home in order to hit it. If I don’t hit it, then it would be fair to say that the next 6 months can be focused on him hitting whatever goal HE has. No one parent deserves to hog all the career-advancement opportunity. And by placing timelines, both parents will surprise themselves at how fast their career actually advances. You have double the motivation!
• Who can act as an alloparent to our children when we are both busy with our careers? Every parent’s main concern for their child is love and attention. Sometimes, both parents are doing well at work and sacrifices are slim-pickings. Who would act as alloparents? For us, finding loved ones who really care for Casey was top priority. Once we established that, everything else fell into place.