How I Want to Spend My First Mother’s Day

It’s been a full week being a new mum. I’m still getting the hang of it, groggily looking to my equally tired husband for validation that we are sort-of doing something right. To be honest with you, how I want to spend my first Mother’s Day is quite homely. I have no desire for a crowded brunch with the grandparents, or gathering for a family get-together. Definitely not hoping to socialize or travel somewhere. I know this will change as my role evolves in the next year. But for now, it’s all about recovery.

It’s also about spending as much time with my main man and his handsome pops. I keep reminding myself, “out there is not where you need to be right now.” He will never be this small again. My husband gently reminds me to slow it down. Enjoy this time as it is. So I want to take heed this Mother’s Day. Be mindful and intentional. Here area few ways I want to spend mother’s day.

How I Want to Spend My First Mother’s Day

+ I want to sleep in.

+ I want a hand massage. If I am faring better, maybe a manicure, too.

+ I want decent pastries or delicious doughnuts, served in bed with a good latte.

+ If I can stomach it, maybe some sunlight and fresh air.

+ A good book in my lap.

+ A vase of farm flowers.

+ Newborn, husband, and cat snuggles.

I look forward to what I think this will look like in a year. More rest in tow, I would hope. Perhaps a brunch date with a sister or a spa day with my mum. I envision a beach day with my family, or a hike in the hills. Imagine a wine tour in Temecula, or cocktail hour in Spring. I’m sure it’ll look very different, but now is not the time. Right now, I am happy just being here.

Photo by Uliana Kopanytsia on Unsplash

For Newly Made Parents

The alternative title for this post was “What Newly Made Parents Really Want.” The answer to which is an SOS flag and the arrival of help. It doesn’t matter if these are first-time parents or ones well-versed in child-rearing. Every new set of parents need help. And I don’t mean help holding the baby.

I had a co-worker once tell me that her mom would come over and offer to take the baby from her hands. After a C-section delivery, she said, “What I needed at the time was not someone to hold my baby. I needed someone to cook dinner for my husband when I can’t get out of bed!”

Another girlfriend recently told me over coffee, “My mom kept offering to feed my baby, when that was something I was capable of doing. Meanwhile, the dishes in the sink had been piled up for days and the dog needed dinner!”

So I decided to offer a list of things that newly made parents might really want. Please don’t be offended if it’s not to share the first few moments of their newborn’s life with you. It’s okay if they don’t want to socialize, or go out, or entertain. Right now, they need you for other roles, most of which are frugal or free.

What Newly Made Parents Really Want

  • Fresh sheets. When a recovering mother and a sleepless father can barely get out of bed, the last thing they’ll want to do is change the sheets and do the laundry. However, having spent all day lying down in said bed, a change of sheets would be heavenly. When we left for the hospital, my water had broken in the middle of the night so we had tossed the sheets into the hamper for later. We came home to a bed that needed making the evening we were allowed to go home. It’s like an adult’s bane of existence – being ready for bed and having to do the sheets. Now that we’ve been home three days, our sheets are ready for changing again. Recovering from a C -section means I am mostly bed-ridden. Then again, being a newborn parent means Mikey is mostly bed-ridden, too.

  • A cake loaf, or sourdough bread and special jam. This could be an unpopular opinion but a buttered slice of sourdough in the wee hours of morning or a cake slice in the afternoon can be so rejuvenating! If you care to make it with love, here are a few recipes to try: Lemon Poppyseed Loaf, Chocolate Chip Walnut Banana Bread or My Sourdough Bread Recipe. Although I’m sure take-out from a local bakery would be just as endearing. Mike and I found ourselves exhausted on the second morning back from the hostpital. His dad wanted to see baby at 9am but Mike had just hopped into bed at 6:30am, after staying up three hours with our little one so I could get some shut-eye. I called his dad saying we were lagging behind for breakfast. So he went to a nearby cafe and brought over breakfast burritos and cinnamon rolls, which was a life saver!

  • Housekeeping. If you don’t mind cleaning duties, a quick vaccuum of the rug, sweep of the floor, loading or unloading of a dishwasher or dusting of furniture does wonders. If you’d prefer, hire a housekeeper to pop in during a time that works for mum and dad. My parents visited the second night we were home. They brought us take-out and unloaded the dishwasher of the clean dishes that needed to be put away. They also loaded the dishwasher and took out the trash. We were so grateful that night. It really set us up for a successful feeding and sleeping schedule with our new babe.

  • Pet Sitting. Dropping by to walk the dog or feed the cat can take a load off their plate. As a pet sitter, I know how grateful parents are when their pet family members get the attention and love they deserve, at a time when it’s running short in the home. You can even create a whole business out of this! Ask new parents to refer you to other new parents in order to gain more clients. Allergic or not a fan of furry friends? Why not hire a walker for the family? My dad swung by the house every night we were at the hospital to feed our cat. I was able to focus on recovering from an emergency C-section without worrying about our other family member left at home.

  • A new book. Send it via app, drop off a recent read, or do a library haul. Leave it behind so they can get some relaxing time. While I havent had a chance to even look at a book (let alone read one), this is a great idea for dads or maybe recovering moms who have it more managed than I. Check out the books I read about parenting and pregnancy that helped me through my journey.

  • A vase of fresh flowers. Fresh florals are a solution that doesn’t lead to clutter or require much upkeep. Just a gentle reminder that life is beautiful during what may be a difficult transition. I’ve received so many beautiful bouquets that have cheered me up during my lowest of lows. Just knowing that I was loved really help me transition out of the dark moments – like when I cried over spilled milk (literally) or when breastfeeding seemed too much to continue on.

  • Moisturizing lotions, heat packs, and other self-care bits. It’s a time of heavy hand-washing and hunched over laboring. Simple products such as baby salves, sitz-bath salts, or massage balls will be a huge stress-relief. I have my girlfriends to thank for this. So many of my gals who have experienced motherhood before stepped up and provided all the awkward items that no one wants to talk about. The reality is, their openness and honesty helped me mentally prepare for what feels like the toughest moments of my life.

  • A free photo shoot. Have a knack for the camera? Offer to pop-by and photograph the new stages of life. It may not be something they’re even thinking about or initially want. But these fleeting moments of parenthood do pass by quite quickly. A memento of even the toughest times will eventually become a tribute to the best days of their life. My dad brought over his camera and took pictures of us as a family. One of my dog-sitter’s pawrents offered to do a photoshoot for baby. And Mike’s dad snapped photos of us after a fairly rough night at home and a bout of crying over aforementioned spilled milk.

Photo by Ryan Kwok on Unsplash

Simple Things: Miniature Baking Tins

This year, I have made it a personal goal to try more baking recipes. And whilst I don’t need more baking items in my pantry, I did end up buying this miniature loaf pan set that I’ve been pining over for years. It has taken me this long to pull the trigger because I felt guilty about adding another item to our kitchen. But after having them, I just think these miniature baking tins from Williams Sonoma (aff link) are as jazzed up as I thought they would be. Zero regrets! So I figure I’d dedicate a post to their wonderfulness.

My sister-in-law has had a set of four miniature baking tins since her twenties. Her aunt gifted them to her for her apartment. Space-saving, these tins are stackable and store nicely in a tiny space. They are non-stick, making them hassle-free to clean, and easy to turn out. And they don’t get locked up when stacked upright.

Conveniently, one loaf pan recipe divvies up neatly into the four tins. As someone who hopes to bake more in 2023, I love that I can try new recipes without committing to eating all my sweets. Baking for two tends to yield excess, so we are constantly walking pastry down the block to my parent’s house. But now, I can have entire mini loaves, giftable to friends, neighbors, and even my dental staff. It will also keep me from ingesting too much sugar 🙂

After baking my first item in these (Tartine’s Banana-Date Loaf!), I have found that reducing the bake time to 3/4 the amount to accommodate for the smaller pans worked well. Of course, keep an eye the first time you try every recipe. The best way to test for doneness is to stick a wood stick in the middle and see if it comes out clean.

I found these tins at Williams-Sonoma (aff link). At under $35 for the set, they were a real treat for me! I mean, I have trouble spending that much on dining out. Knowing they’ve been on my mind for a while, my husband convinced me to get them. I already know that they will be of great use! I was actually debating on decluttering my bigger loaf pans after getting these to clear up kitchen space. Regardless, these will inspire me to try new recipes. I’ll make an effort to post the successful ones throughout the year here too, so do check back in!

Intentional Living: Headspace

In a world where misinformation disguises as truth, it is hard for me to know what to believe anymore. There are, however, a few things I know to be true.

A lot of people are in pain, suffering, frustrated, and afraid.
Many feel isolated or alone.
Information is overwhelmingly readily available and largely unchecked.
What we see, hear, and learn is largely influenced by another party with ulterior motives.
There are, however, still a few things in our control.

We can still act, react, and live according to our individual values.
We can think for ourselves rather than follow trends or what other people are doing.
Instead of spreading other people’s posts and ideas, we can create original content.
We can choose to ignore all forms of social media propaganda so that we can process information as we experience it ourselves.
We can prepare our best self for tomorrow by focusing on self-care and our own internal health.
We can trust that our daily work is the change we need – that mundane tasks such as caring for patients, helping neighbors, and checking up on loved ones make the world a much better place.

I was disappointed with Instagram yesterday. I woke up to a feed full of blacked out squares. There was not a single piece of original content. The entire world was silenced under the ruse that we are allowing other people who have something to say speak.

I saw nobody who had something to say.

Which makes me wonder – who spread this idea of muting people for a week “a thing”? Could it be possible that someone who ultimately did not want people to speak up created this trend under the pretence that more will be heard? Whose voices will we really hear? Why are people reposting the same few stories and posts? Have we all just become lemmings? Why is there an us and they? Are we not one human race?

So I did the only thing that was in my control.

I deleted Instagram. I decided to retreat to my own space here, where I am not serving anyone else’s agenda but my own. I suggest others do the same.

If you haven’t already, Headspace is offering their meditation app for FREE until the end of 2020 for all of LACounty, the unemployed, and other groups of people. The first month is free for the public at large.

I think we all need to return to our own head space, instead of be blinded by the media and social media. I was disappointed with the platform, but I recognize now that the disappointment lies mostly in me and my subscription to Instagram. This is where I live now.

I will not be muted or silenced or blacked out.

It is the media that I will choose to mute.

Restorative Quarantine

Despite being of the general stance that gym memberships are far from a frugal person’s prerogative, I have had BlackTag Membership at CorePower Yoga a few times in the past, typically when my schedule was most full and I needed the external stimuli to help dedicate to myself some form of self-love. Out of all the classes CorePower offered, my favorite was a class called Restorative Yoga, which was essentially nap-time yoga. The class was only offered once or twice a week per studio, but I made sure to attend those classes religiously. Instead of the more popular classes with weights or high-temperature yoga sessions, the restorative classes were always held at night, in the dark, at room temp and on our backs (well, mostly). The teacher guided students through a series of poses, sometimes in candlelight, all of which were held in stillness for five minutes at a time.

For beginners, this could feel like eons. Some postures were more painful than others, depending on how your body best contorts, but in that darkness and quiet, with your mat facing away from the other students and towards the wall, you must sit through that discomfort and pain in solitude. There always comes a point where you think you can’t hold the posture any longer and you have no option but to relax into it and let yourself go, and in that letting go, one may find themselves suddenly waking up after having slept through the rest of class or sprawled out, off the mat, in complete relaxation. The classes were generally never full, and there was always space to stretch out, which is unfortunate, because as a fellow yogi exiting a restorative class once expressed, “this is the best class this studio has to offer. It’s a shame not more people go.” A sentiment with which I concur wholeheartedly.

This is the class the world can use more of.

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Now, I would wager that there is a group of people in this space wishing to do a bit of restorative work themselves during this stay-at-home movement. So careening towards the other side of the spectrum from productivity, I decided to focus today on ways to make quarantine time productive in generally socially less accepted ways.

While life pre-COVID had us running around with shoes to fill and duties to perform, the current state-of-affairs presents the world with a rare gift of a lack of responsibility – a state which many of us haven’t experienced since childhood. This lack of responsibility frees up much needed time for introversion.

I would liken a majority of the population to living as if sleepwalking, unknowingly performing tasks that are pre-determined by a social upbringing, without any form of individual choice on the matter. This may offend some, but all truths have the potential to cause pain to the unknowing. However! If you’ve been suspicious of this for some time but haven’t had the head space to figure it all out yourself, maybe what you seek during this period of slow isn’t productivity at all, but rather, an awakening.

Socially unaccepted forms of productivity are my personal favorite, not only because I have always had a soft spot for going against the grain, but also because I find them to be ironically more successful in living a meaningful life. By socially unaccepted forms of productivity, I am referring to a slew of activities that are thought to be a general “waste of time” by modern standards, but actually have many life benefits that we have under-valued, for parts of ourselves too-long ignored.

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If restorative quarantine is what you seek, then here are some easy activities that will help you tune in to your true self, perhaps the same self that you lost along with your childhood, as adulting became the center of your being and you forgot who you were to begin with… Isolation is the perfect setting for self-discovery.

  •  Sleep – My most favorite activity since birth. My parents can bore you to death with an endless array of stories that begin or end with me falling asleep. Every aunt and uncle can only seem to recall one unifying memory about my childhood – that I would fall asleep at every gathering, at restaurant tables, on neighbor’s couches, through any noise, commotion, or movement. Even my husband will comment, “Boy, you sleep a lot”, after a ten hour night of rest. As I grew older, my sleeping became less and less as my energetic self started accumulating roles, titles and projects. But when work suddenly became non-existent (was it really only one week ago?!), I reverted back to my restful state, sleeping by ten P.M. and waking around eight in the morning. Sleep is the most under-rated restorative practice and is arguably the most helpful activity to our well-being. Sleep is the state where you process all of your daily observances into something with meaning, as it pertains to you. Sleep is closely tied with memory formation, which essentially forms our entire reality. We constantly live in the past or future, the past which is no longer existent except for in memory, and the future which is based on past experiences but which also is not in existence. This is what Deepak Chopra talks of when he says that humans live in a continually dream state. Our reality is dependent on sleep and until we can create that reality will we be able to start separating ourselves from the past and the future, and start living in the “vivid now”.

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  • Meditate – Meditation is a practice in staying in the present moment. When I first started doing yoga, I had a completely different expectation for meditation. Namely, I thought meditation was the ability to sit in complete zen, without thought or feeling or motion. I thought it meant complete nothingness, and required utter silence, empty rooms, devoid of any and all distraction. After much practice, I realized that meditation brings up a lot of observances that could act as distractions – noises you never noticed before like the ticking of a clock, the hum of a fridge, or the silence itself; and aromas that you never smelled before such as last night’s dinner lingering in the air, the age of a book’s page, the must of an old couch, the smell of a fresh breeze – distractions such as thoughts that stubbornly make their way into your mind’s eye, an elephant in the room. Meditation is not the separation from all these things but rather, the physical connection to their presence without any emotional or mental ties. In essence, its having a free-flow state of mind and physical surrounding without any sort of affect. You notice a thought and let it come and go, without any emotion after it. You hear a sound and think or feel nothing associated with it. This disconnection is what connects you to your present moment. It is when you unlock your being, separate it from past and future, from surrounding and your physical body, and you see yourself in complete clarity.
  • Dissociate Time – Time is a mental construct. Someone once decided for the rest of us to divvy the day into twenty four hours, each with 60 minutes, each with 60 seconds, et cetera. But how long does a second really last? In my opinion, it lasts as long as you perceive it does. You have external stimuli (such as a clock or a watch or a phone) telling you when one second is up, but what each person experiences in that one second can be completely different things. One person may experience a slew of emotions, another may experience nothing at all. One person may experience a life-changing event which registers in their mind as so impactful that they recall that second lasting what seems like forever. I have been recently obsessed with this idea of expanding time by controlling my consciousness’s perception of it. I came across this idea during a slow living experiment, when I realized that my slowest days felt much longer than days where I was busy with to-do-lists. Think about a day of work. When you are busy, work flies by, but when you are slow, work drags on. Everyone has experienced this. So I have been conscientiously taking note on how certain slow-living activities expands the time I have to experience, well, life. Yesterday in particular, I did an activity which I think is perfect for quarantined folks without work (or children, or worries, or distractions seeking your attention). I covered up every single indicator for time in my household. I took blue packing tape from the garage and covered every clock present, including the one on the bottom-right side of my laptop and the one underneath my camera on my I-phone. I wanted to know what it would feel like to experience a day in the life without any time restrictions or time indications. I wondered when I would wake, when I would get hungry, when I would feel like going to bed. I wondered what I would be interested in doing, and for how long. Let me be the first to tell you, yesterday felt like ages. I did everything I wanted to do and noticed the sun was still up. I ate whenever I felt like eating, and the only indication to sleep was my eyelids resisting the reading I was doing. I wondered to myself multiple times, what else shall I do? Which proved to myself that we can, in ways, expand time. Try it for a day. See what you learn about yourself.
  • Avoid Mirrors – Our self-perception is heavily altered by external markers. Self-confidence is tied to how we see others perceive us. Our self-worth comes from the titles and roles that we have been endowed or earned. When someone asks for a definition of self, most people answer first and foremost with their occupation or profession. It is these same external definitions of the self that prevent us from truly understanding who we are. So another personal experiment that I heard of previously in Twyla Tharp’s book The Creative Habit that I highly recommend is to remove or avoid all mirrors. There have been many times where I am out and about (and have been for quite some time) and suddenly wondered, “What do I look like today?” Which in itself is a useless thought if you are trying to live a life of YOU-ness, but that’s how socially trained I am (and you are, and we are). Sometimes I’ll get through an entire day and then realize in the evening that I never once saw a mirror, never once brushed my hair, never once wore anything more than chapstick. It’s a really REALLY good feeling to have.

  • Live without modern conveniences – When Mike and I signed up for the Banks Peninsula hike in New Zealand one year ago, I didn’t know exactly what I was getting myself into. There were no modern conveniences to speak of during one of the nights. Hardly any modern conveniences during the entire trip. It was a terrible time, mostly caused by dreadfully rainy weather. We both slid on slippery rocks and landed our behinds on sharp stones. We treaded fearfully past at least a hundred cows, which look innocent enough standing on the side of the road but which are extremely intimidating when in a horde at arms reach. I shed many tears and whined in disdain. We never finished the hike, because the storm eventually became so bad. There were seven of us travelers huddled in a hut, all seven debating on calling a ride back to town rather than hiking through the third and final day. We were on farmland with nary a sign of civilization nor electricity. The shower was outdoors underneath a spider’s web inside the trunk of an old tree. We lit our rooms with candlesticks. We huddled around a furnace fed with acorns. We cooked meals over a gas stove lit by matches and sat together on a rickety wooden dining table, telling stories although we came from all over the world speaking different languages. There was a tub heated by a furnace fed by wood that needed chopping. You had to sit on a plank to avoid burning your stone-poked-bottom on the porcelain. It was where a family of three took a nice bath underneath the rain that fell from the sky. I wielded an axe for the first time, was scared of the storm not for the first time, hated spiders and bugs more than normal, loved fire more than normal, slept like a baby through the dreadful night. Your deepest demons and fears come out to play, and after it was said and done, your biggest strengths carried you through. (I did mention that sleep was my strength!) All of this to say that in retrospect, it was the most romantic moment of my life. They were the deepest connections I had ever formed, with strangers no less. It was a different universe and time altogether, separate from this one. And I learned a lot about myself. Now I know that the current COVID recommendations do not include running off to a cabin in the woods, but ways in which we can spare ourselves of modern conveniences include spending a day without lightbulbs, forgoing a shower, or avoiding the microwave and using a stovetop to reheat left-overs. For people who always dine out, it could mean prepping your own meals, and for those who drive down the street, it could mean taking a walk and lugging groceries back. Spend a day trying to live without modern conveniences, and see what rises up.

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  • Read Fiction and Poetry – When I was a child and teen, I only read fiction and poetry. When I became an adult, I preferred to grab non-fiction, in order to “improve” myself. I started to view fiction and poetry as unnecessary, nonsensical blathering that was not worth an ounce of my precious energy. Recently, I’ve decided against my original decision. Fiction and poetry is necessary for the soul. It is the reason I have been able to shape the world around me into what it is. It was my best friend in my youth, and it reveals to me what we already know but forget. I say, read fiction and poetry, even if you don’t have the time.
  • Listen to Music – If someone asked me today what I like to listen to, I would most likely reply with, “I don’t listen to music.” Which is true. And extremely peculiar coming from a girl who sang in the church choir for a good 17 years and who took voice lessons until she was 27 years old, who locked herself in her room with a microphone and who showered with the radio on. But three (-ish) years ago, I stopped listening to music. At all. In the car, in the shower. I preferred silence. I valued my thoughts more than my feelings. I wanted my mind to focus on tasks, not sounds. When you make decisions like that, a part of you dies. But with the advent of the quarantine, I decided to put music back on my radar. I still haven’t picked up a guitar and am thinking of donating my recording studio to a friend. But on my to-do list, I added “listen to music” in the morning somehow. This one is a personal restorative activity. I’ll let you know how that goes.

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Living Slow: Season of Becoming

This post is in partnership with East Fork Pottery,  a company slinging hand-thrown, timeless pottery in Oregon using regionally-sourced stoneware clay. Their beautiful food-safe glazes are made in house and lend their pieces character, but in an unfussy and classic manner. The collection is, truly, a treasure trove.

It’s been a bit quiet here for the past week, which should be indicative of the fact that I’ve been restless in real life, struggling with a personal decision that’s difficult to make. Usually that’s how it is. Cyber silence equates to a madness that requires its own space and time. But I wanted to put thought to digital paper for a moment, as an observance of this period of growth.

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Last week, I was presented with an alternative job opportunity that, when on paper, holds better weight than my current position. However, there are some non-practical reasons why I want to keep my current position. Ultimately, it came down to production limited by the number of days, or production limited by fees. I had to consider adding a 1.5 hr  round-trip daily commute to my currently non-existent one in exchange for much easier work. I had to decide whether having newer and better materials that made my job easier was more important than sweeter and easier patients who made my job easier. I was pulled between something new and something familiar. It was a week full of angst, emotion, and pressure to make a decision. I sat by the window sill staring into space, deep in thought, reflection, and sometimes just straight up brooding. Tears were involved.

If I took the easier job that is farther away which has more difficult patients but newer materials, I would only work 2.5-3 days a week, and still make the same amount of production at 4 days a week. But when you add the hours of commute and subtract the amount of money spent on gas, those 3 days really equate to 3.6 days, and is that difference worth it. The physical work will be easier due to newer materials, but demanding patients increase the mental and emotional energy required to work. The gratitude will be centered around the ease of work, rather than meaningful work. Both cups are half-full. Which would you choose?

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The paradox of choice is real. Both options are starkly different, but both are also good. My husband pointed out that I couldn’t go wrong either way. It’s a fantastic position to be in. But the fear of choosing wrong is what cripples. If the opportunity didn’t present itself, it wouldn’t be hard for me to continue what I was doing. There would be a distant nagging of the things I could improve if the practice were my own, but I wouldn’t be restless like I am now. When there is an alternative, it is much harder to ignore what could be.

Equally crippling is the feeling that a choice needs to be made. If I am going to leave  the first office, it would be best to tell them as soon as possible. Meanwhile, the office of opportunity is waiting on the sideline, seeing if I would take their job offer. I think it’s hard to be in-between. The pressure prevents any real growth.

In my life, I‘ve tried to reduce choice in order to increase bliss. In general, it has worked very well. While I don’t like choicelessness, I like having reduced options. But I know making choices is the hard part of growth. So choices need to be made.

I have an evasive tactic that I turn to when faced with difficult decisions. I just pick one -the one that intuitively seems most appealing – and then I move on with my life. I do that because I know I can always pivot. I do that because I know that there are worse things to choose from, and that outcomes in general are not bad  in the grand scheme of things. But I also know that I do it to alleviate the guilt, stress, and responsibility of that choice. I am only ever choosing one real thing – to run a way from my own discomfort.

This has led me to even deeper consideration for things beyond the job itself. The job, it’s just a stage in my life. In the end, neither choice is perfect, but neither is also wrong. Both are transient, not one being the end point. But I’ve thought about my tendency to run when things get difficult. My wish to reduce, in order to ease. My need to asphyxiate in hopes of control. My obsession with doing, instead of just being.

I can say I’ve been much better the past two years. Slow living has been a great mentor in that. But this is one of those moments where I need to tell myself, “Wait“. Instead of searching for clarity, wait for the fog of emotions to roll out and clear. Instead of wishing to tell people about it, wait for them to ask you of your thoughts. Instead of trying to get every answer imaginable, wait for that inner knowing to surface from within. Stay to see what happens, instead of going to see where the river runs.

I came across this quote  from @trustandtravel’s Instagram, and it spoke.

“Do not fast-forward into something you are not ready for, or allow  yourself to shrink back into what’s comfortable. Growth lives in the uneasiness. The in-between. The unfinished sentence. You are a season of becoming.”

-Danielle Doby

Becoming is a hard thing. But it’s also necessary. So much of the time, we do, and therefore we are. But we never just “be”. How do we ever expect to become?

The espresso cups in soapstone are perfect for tiny hands, mid-afternoon espresso shots, as well as after dinner green tea. For the bold, sake shots and other libations fit well within this tiny vessel. We are very much in love with this cups and can only speak highly of the quality and the beauty of these products. They are not placed in cabinets with the other dinnerware but are on display on open shelving. Today only, East Fork will be having a Seconds Sale. A discount of 30% will be applied to a handful of clay goods that did not quite make the cut. Although with slight blemishes, these pieces are still functional and beautiful. I urge people who have been hankering for dinnerware to consider salvaging these pieces and including them in your home. I appreciate East Fork for their zero waste attempt. Seconds sale begins at 12pm EST, and pieces will go fast (or so I hope). This post contains affiliate links and TheDebtist may receive a commission if  you so choose to purchase.

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Prepping for a Mindful Holiday Season

It’s mid-November and I’m left wondering where the first half of the month went, let alone the majority of the year. It seems that as we age, our perception of time quickens,  as if a reminder that the time we have left dwindles. Perhaps this is why mindfulness becomes more relevant as we get older. Perhaps it’s why senility exists, as a pungent way to signal the world that we are focusing on the things that don’t really matter. I wonder if this blog brings that same sort of light, without the heartbreaking undertones of senescence. Hopefully, it has brought you something.

Today, I want to take the time, before holiday rush, to instill mindfulness in the home before good cheer takes away all thought in our fervent search for comfort and joy. Let us welcome the holiday season in all the right ways. We will be wishing and receiving all season long, which isn’t wrong per say, but I think it would behoove us to approach it with some serious thought so as to avoid the need to de-clutter and figure ourselves out all over again amidst the noise in 2020.

A few suggestions, nothing unheard of especially in this space, if I may.

  • Take stock. Make a mental note of everything you already own. Figure out ways in which they can do double duty in function. Find what is enough in your life, with an intention to add less.
  • Declutter. Always declutter. It seems my advice runs redundant but it signifies the habitual act of. Get rid of the noise distracting from the important parts of the holiday season. Hone in on what brings you true joy. Strengthen the ability to know what holds value and what does not. This will also help with the selection of which social obligations you commit to, lest you run amok trying to please everybody and not enjoying the season at all.
  • Write your wish list early. And then publish it late. In the meanwhile, edit, edit, edit. Treat your wish list like a draft. It’s similar to pausing prior to purchasing things. Sometimes, it’s even more important to do because of the ease with which we can ask for things. Sleep on it. Search the house for dopplegangers of stuff (are you asking for things you already own?). Prioritize, putting needs at the top and considering making do without the wants. Perhaps you’d like to request consumable giftsFor ideas, a simple holiday gift guide.
  • Focus on the non-material. Not just in gift-giving and wish-making, but also in the doing. Forego the stresses of perfect Thanksgiving dinners and Christmas mornings. Rather, revel in the gathering. Spend less time thinking about what to wear in to the holiday party and more time focusing on the conversations you wish to have. Et cetera. If you need a reminder, create an advent calendar for a slow holiday season. If you’d like to take it a step further, write a no-gifting letter or say no to Secret Santa.
  • Simplify. Instead of asking for ten things from one person, ask for one or two thereby lightening their need to make even more decisions. Instead of decking halls this year, maybe go bare to save you from entering 2020 with a large amount of un-decorating to do. Instead of ordering holiday cards, email a digital picture. There are many ways to simplify, some of which I’ve written about here and here.

I am always of the mind that we need to prepare for the holidays in different ways. In doing less and thinking more. It’s worth a try, in hopes that we all enter the new decade with truer joy, and a lot more peace.

 

Intentional Living: Speaking Less

I’ve been thinking lately about speaking less. The irony of using a post to share this does not escape me. But how many times a day do we fill our lives with useless words? Trivial commentary that gets us nowhere, rhetorical questions that waste one’s breath, small talk?

I think about questions specifically. We ask each other questions not because we are looking for knowledge but rather, permission. As kind as it is to seek permission, what it actually does is inflate the number of choices that need to be made.

For example, I noticed that I ask the following questions of my husband on the daily.

  • Is this enough food? (when piling on a plate)
  • Do you want to sit here? (when deciding where to perch at a restaurant, coffee shop or even at home)
  • What do you want to do today? (or tonight, this week, or weekend)
  • What do you want to eat for dinner? (or breakfast or lunch)
  • Do you want coffee this morning? (or tea in the evening)
  • Shall we watch something tonight? (when deciding what else to clutter our minds with)

All of these questions are not rhetorical and require a response.

All of them give him additional decisions to make.

All of them are quite unnecessary.

I think about how many more I ask at work. I think about how this asking affects our lives. As if we didn’t have enough decisions to make. It’s no wonder we live in overwhelm. By asking permission, we are creating more decisions to make. In our empathy, we are wasting brain power on making choices in a society already suffering from the paradox of choice.

It’s no wonder that children these days have no direction. There are too many choices to choose from and they are so busy choosing from an early age that they never learn how to focus on one. I hear parents ask children what they want to eat for dinner. I remember growing up and never being asked that question. We simply ate whatever was on the table. More brain-power for play time outdoors. I see parents asking kids what color backpack they want for the first day of school. My parents just went and purchased my supplies for us without even taking us to the store with them. More brain-power for focusing on getting ready for the Fall semester. I see parents proudly say that their kids chose what to wear today. I wore a uniform until middle school. Think of the brain power it takes to have a kid decide what to wear, then compare them self socially with what their desk mate wore, then go home and look to their closet and see what they can wear the next day to be at least equal with their desk mate.  With Christmas around the corner, I bet kids will be writing down their lists. I didn’t write a list for my family until I was thirteen years old. My parents just bought us what they think we would want, or better yet, what we needed.

It’s no wonder college students have no idea what they want to do in life. A majority of them go to undergrad undeclared. When I was in undergrad ten years ago, half of my friends had switched majors before graduating. My own brother switched direction AFTER undergrad. Many younger people get multiple masters in different fields. Some of my closest high school friends didn’t figure out what they wanted to do until they were 25. In dental school, a quarter of the dental students had switched careers. We had engineers, doctors, lawyers, with the oldest student in his 50’s. There is simply too many choices to make.

We have created this fallacy that we live in a world where we are free to choose. But we are constantly making choices, and we have lost the freedom to accomplish much of anything else.

It’s no wonder we get home at the end of a work-day exhausted. Then to have to answer if the food on the plate is enough?! Why do we waste such energy?

I am trying to be better. I am trying to simply put food on the plate, and accept that if he wants more, he will go back for seconds. I am going to just pick a spot to sit. If he wishes to sit elsewhere, I will trust that he will say so. I am simply going to make a batch of coffee and pour half into my cup. If he ends drinking the other half, I can make a second batch if needed. Instead of asking what he wants to do this weekend, I will tell him what I would like to do and see what he responds with.

We don’t need to speak so much.

If we truly want to practice empathy, let us empathize with the excess that we all already deal with.

Let us reduce the overwhelm so that we can reserve our brain waves for the decision-making that is more important.